and the lord god spake unto me and he said unto me with that loaf of 99 cent bread, thou shalt make for thine lunch three sandwiches, for lo, thou art hungry, and i shall bless the sandwiches and make them as undigestible rocks with honey on them and thou shalt find thyself eating them day after day and wishing that thou hadst earned more money so thou couldst buy some hot lunch at the tea shop. and on the third day, thou shalt finish the last of the sandwiches and thy days of hunger shall be over. and i did heed the words of the lord. and it is so.
Book of Food, Chapter Stimpy, verse 15:33

The Sacred Sammich Dance is performed at appropriate holy moments by Followers Cola, Typsy, Stimpy, and Timanna. Its counterpart, the No Bagel Dance, is the invention of Techie Thea. All Hail The Sacred Dancers!

Appropriate messages for devotional products to the Messiah may include:

  • I believe Scott (The Messiah)
  • I believe your mamma (Typsy)
  • I believe several members of your family when they tell me they've never been satisfied by anyone before (Edwin)
  • EVIL (Thea)
  • Gods worshipped by the Messiah's followers include:
    Jeff, the God of Biscuits; Martha, the Goddess of Plastic Houseplants and others as yet unrevealed here. Their leader, Cola, maintains that Scott "is the messenger bringing the wisdom and voices of the whole pantheon together. He's like Hercules, except without the insanity and the kills the wife." (Book of Religion, Chapter Cola, Verse 7:17.)
    The way to spread the word:
    "maybe i am being presumptuous
    and maybe i am spelling that word wrong
    but have you met our savior. he's a man like you or me, but he is the son of god, our holy messiah scott."
    Book of Religion, Chapter Stimpy, Verse 7:18.
    [ Religion ] Message 708 (28 left): Sun Dec 12, 1999  5:58pm
    From: the un-cola (cola@ella)
    Subject: oh great SCOTT
    6 lines (?)
    i wait expectantly for another light of truth from the lord.
    these mundane postings do not compare to the wonder that is
    the Way!        

    [ Religion ] Message 679 (3 left): Fri Oct 29, 1999 1:08pm From: THE LIGHT AND THE WAY (ash512@ella) Subject: my children 14 lines (?) That which we have seen and heard declare we unto you, that ye also may have fellowship with us: and truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with his Son SCOTT. And these things write we unto you, that your joy may be full. This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that SCOTT is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth: But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of SCOTT his Son cleanseth us from all sin. -the bible my children i speak to you uv truth and of things so holy you may not touch so do not pick up the bible for it is too holy..only i may interpret it to u as the son of god

    [ Religion ] Message 681 (1 left): Fri Oct 29, 1999 7:21pm From: THE LIGHT AND THE WAY (ash512@ella) Subject: MY DISCIPLE 15 lines (?) In the beginning was the SCOTT, and the SCOTT was with God, and the SCOTT was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In SCOTT was life; and the life was the light of all. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not. There was a woman sent from God, whose name [was] Cola. The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all through her might believe. she was not that Light, but [was sent] to bear witness of that Light. [That] was the true Light, which lighteth everyone that cometh into the world. Cola 1.1-1.9 the chrisitans tried to steal the bible form me and made up thw whole jesus thing but see i am the messiah and they tried to pertend that the above passage is from the book uv john instead uv the book uv cola only i have the real bible, the one god and i made for u see i am known as jesus too but they didn't use my correct name so come to Scottians to the true faith

    [ Religion ] Message 682 (0 left): Fri Oct 29, 1999 7:23pm From: pastor dick (ash512@ella) Subject: i have see the light 7 lines (?) there is only Scott.. scott is je zus let us all praise HIM and follow HIM for he is the light, the way and the truth praise Scott amen