"Rose has straight, shoulder-length-ish pink hair with
"I always assumed that was how role-playing felt to
they were switching different parts of themselves to be out front. Oops,
that sounded really multiple. Like I stored the bits of my brain that
would perform 'Kali' over HERE, and the bits for other people over HERE,
and I was just moving my attention to one or the other of them... Well
"There's a big angry thing shaped like a raven and she digs
claws in and flies off with us sometimes. Sometimes she just sits there.
Sometimes she has other feelings."
"the name Steven was one of those names, I think it was on a
truck we passed or something. I rejected it and changed the subject but
it kept coming back and it was obvious whose it was. It kinda helps me
be able to say 'and I was all, that's a STUPID
name!' because I can think 'see, I am so clearly a different person
having a conversation with someone there....'"
"I realized today that, well - I was thinking about
names and about choosing them like if someone doesn't come with a name
then they're not real or something. And today I finally realized hey!
people aren't BORN with names. Names are stupid handles we make up cause
our society leans away from calling people things like 'you know, the
guy with the long earlobes who works at the coffeeshop' all the time.
Why SHOULD people come with names??"
"'::gigglegiggle:: *ling*uistics.' - Todd Lemon"
"'muahahaha. i don't know, why don't we fuck you again and
out. (evil grin)' - Steven, when Matt asked who was out 'i mean
y'know, right at that one time....'"
"Rose actually enjoys talking to Briana."
"'Do you ever get that thing, where like, you'll be having a
staring off into space or whatever, and there'll be like this click,
it's not an audible click noise - it's like a mental click-into-place -
and of a sudden you're like, oh, now i'm paying attention, or like the
scene starts anew for you - it doesn't rewind or anything, it's just
now you're *there*? BUT you were there before and you were paying
attention before, only now it feels different?' - from the first time
we consciously switched"
"'If *at any point* life was sucky enough for YOU
to turn sideways and slip between the panes of reason
like Alice through the Looking Glass,
and in so doing,
you discovered the world
behind the mirror....
is there a problem with that?'
- Craig of the Brethren"
"dating Matt and
joining darkpersonalities exposed
me to a lot of different voices describing a lot of different
of being multiple, and making me realize that my weird memory (like,
frequent inability to remember what i said to someone or what i did last
weekend or what it was like to be in highschool - and the fact that
sometimes i can remember these things perfectly - and then later have no
memory of them again) and lots of other stuff i experience might
have a *cause* or a *reason for happening.*"
"at some point someone (matt once, and probably ppl on the
too) was talking about how everyone else in their system had disappeared
for some time, and how horrible it felt to be alone in their head, and i
was like 'aw! i wish i weren't alone in my head' and then i thought
'wait a minute - i've never felt like i was alone in here.'"
"it's disturbing to find these idiotic rules and
of my head and into lists and other people. like, it's not so hard to
doubting myself and constantly judging myself/peopleinmysystem when i'm
the only one doing it and everyone outside is like 'no, let people be
themselves, don't worry about what makes you real;' it's much harder
the stupid ideas of what makes you real and what's ok behavior come from
" i think that it's natural for
people, if they have open minds, to hear about multiplicity or
transgenderedness or whatever and want to learn about it and question
if at all, it fits into their lives. And some of them will find that it
explains a lot for them and discover that they are multiple, and some of
them will find that it leads them to explore good things but that
not a multiple - but that exploring the idea of multiplicity led them to
know themselves better anyway."
"personally, *my* theory is that there are way, way more
anyone thinks, and that (1) the lack of widespread awareness of
multiplicity and (2) the 'rules' about multiplicity ('i can't be a
multiple, i wasn't abused/i'm not sybil/etc.') stop people from
they're multiple so it looks like there are so few multiples. and then
that feeds back into it - 'i/you can't be a multiple, it must be a
because there just aren't enough multiples in the world that half the
people i know should be thinking they're multiple.' dude, of course
are - cause you're going to know more of the open-minded people who
actually consider this, and the people who are multiples and hang around
you because they see something of themselves in you that they just don't
it's pretty and it's called a KALEIDOSCOPE HOUSE!!!!!!
we saw it at Where
The Wild Things Are last week and we were all
then they showed it in the paper!!!!
and this picture is even better than the paper's!!
"we have a little house. but it's not like the
picture. it's a *little* house. and we are like a family. mostly. it
cool. but i think other people live places besides us too. the end.
"mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. angels are chewy."
"On Thu, 21 Dec 2000, jady & co ~~ wrote:
> DAD: Merry Christmas. * click *
wow. what a PRICK.
-- rose and steven "
"::giggles:: does this mean you have artificial flavorings
colorings? or preservatives of some kind? what's the FDA standard for a
'natural multiple' label? ;) "
"'yeah. i really loved that song when i first heard it
cause i dunno
i'm afraid people will forget the whole nuclear bomb fear thing. i'm
22, i never grew up with that 'we're all going to die they'er going to
push the button' situation (ah denial) but ... yeah. (and i worked for
california peaceaction for part of a summer too which would be enough to
put the fear of the bomb into anyone :) '
- rose rose hippie
"we have weird memory patterns. sometimes we can't remember
before we were five but other times we have good memories of them. (even
when we can't there are a few stock memories from then.) for memories in
general it's like everything behind "now" is foggy except for a few
windows and the clear windows vary depending on... presumably who's
remembering. we should try to chart it or something :-) "
"when we first got
to college it was awful because for several years we couldn't remember
what it was like to be in highschool or how we got to college. like, the
memories were there, we just couldn't access them. couldn't remember
it felt like. no continuity. we dealt with it by trying to introduce our
friends from high school to our college friends and keep in touch
better with high school people, and that helped some. Eventually it
became clear that we had totally different people fronting in college
than in high school - no wonder 'I' couldn't remember what it felt
"we can say that too - that there wasn't anything
incredibly abusive or
traumatic in our history even after our teens. although we've had a
of physically and/or emotionally abusive relationships, they didn't have
that bad of an effect an us [although maybe that's because we're with
wonderfulwonderful people now and they make us feel so safe and
respected *blowing them a kiss*]"
"i think people are maybe all made up of lots of people
of varying amounts and they just have so many ways of explaining it
away. like 'oh, i'm in the efficient place today' or 'i don't know where
got an idea like THAT, it just popped into my head' or 'my inner child
out' or whatever. so it gets hidden unless it's really really obvious,
like people really make themselves known or aren't at all
coconscious... and even then, the stigma and the lies about it all keep
people from realizing what's going on for a long time a lot.
"we have some kind of filter too. to make everyone the same
think. that's what it feels like anyway, although i think it's used less
now that we're aware of it.
i wonder if that gets thinned out around matt. i think he's just smart
enough to see through it."
"we flip back and forth and around on the subject of little
spelling stuff funny. the littles say or are
write things a certain way and a lot of times someone will correct it
them and it's this tug of war between just being honest and practical
free speech, and struggling with the fear that it will look wrong or
all making it up to be more real or whatever the thought of the day
is. so for a while letting people 'write little' actually pushed them
underneath a torrent of argument and self-obsessed worries like
now we've worked out a thing where their speech patterns or writing
comes out the strongest sort of like dictating i guess. mostly older
anyway, although i think lizbeth might be an age
"[after someone flirted with rose]
[someone else] ha ha ha ha you
made her all flustered :-)
[rose] (ffft. clear out of here, brat-boy! (/) on you!)
*ahem* thanks :) i would say 'thanks, i work out' but i think that's
an inside joke :)"
"'I think you're right about love. I think that ultimately,
people's political arguments and beliefs are, if you can show them the
problem [whatever it may be] in a way that shows its impact on actual
people, their essential love for others will come through. And I don't
care if I AM an optimist. :) '
"we just thought everyone had 'em. you know... extensive
internal conversations, completely different ways of responding to and
dealing with the world, problems remembering many conversations from
a few days ago not to mention no ability to remember what it was like to
be in high school or junior high or here or there.... doesn't everyone
have that? :) "
"for that matter, i'm out all the time, i'm just
everyone else who comes out. to varying degrees... mostly i'm out and so
are others, but then sometimes i'm just watching what others are saying
and doing. but there are definitely times when, now that i know it's
possible, i wish i could just go elsewhere, go inside or turn myself off
or something, if other people are going to be out there! i mean,
everyone knows not to fuck stuff up. why should i have to be sitting
around all fuzzy like that?"
"realizing i'm multiple has actually
brought a lot of clarity to my life. like, stuff that was totally
confusing and bad in my life before - like not understanding why i
was always angry at aeryn, for a while, when she didn't even do anything
now has a reason, and therefore i can find ways to deal with it. like,
finding out who's actually angry at her, and why,and asking them not to
come out around her if they're going to be mad for no reason, or to talk
to her about it, or even just for me myself to recognize that right then
there's a lot of anger towards her in here and i should watch for that
try not to let it be expressed somehow."
"one of the most
fascinating things about exploring being multiple, for me [aidan], has
finding out that PRACTICALLY EVERYONE ELSE IN HERE can cry. I mean I CAN
cry, but i have tons of issues around it :) crying is bad! it's admtting
weakness! it's showing people emotions that they can attack you
for! klingons do not cry! but even the 'asshole boy' in here has no
hangups about crying in front of people. *shakes head*";
Quotes = "i think that there's no such thing as a common type of
cause people's experiences are so different and there are so many
possibilities. much like being genderqueer. like if someone said 'are
genderqueers butch?' i think i would just stare at them blankly."
"I know multiples who never lose time; I'm one of them."
"once i had a dream that president clinton bombed oakland,
bomb (who knows why they do anything) and we were in a fish&tackle store
(it was like 5am in the dream too. but not cause we were going
fishing.) and everyone died. it felt like i was a match that burnt
out. and like my mind was the head of the match and it was the last to
and i could sense the rest of the match burning up and crinkling till it
went out. it didn't hurt or anything. but damn it was a creepy
"that's how it was for us too. like... not so much that we
sense as a singleton (except perhaps to the extremely perceptive
myriad/matt) but that when we started examining the joins between
different aspects/sides of "me" it became increasingly obvious that
were different people... and the more we thought about who these people
were, the more obvious this became. it really helped us to make little
lists of what we knew about each person and think about what else that
told us about them."
"'transness + multiplicity = luv.'
"If you're going to fantasize, fantasize about someone REAL. Like Mussolini." - Adam
"even though we thought we were entirely co-conscious [or
thought he was co-conscious with everyone, the little egotist ;)]
are times when someone is out almost all by themselves and the memories
are just sort of vaguely accesible to others later. and learning more
about everyone has meant both that we become more aware of that
and that we become better able to deal with it.
"the more we know about people, the more people start to
themselves. aidan does a lot of trying to make people feel welcome and
encourage them to come out. i think he gets tired of being out all the
time, with all the energy he puts into questioning who's there and who
is and god he should just relax know what i mean
" i really like exploring the differences between being a
in a female-bodied multiple system, and being a trannyboy in a
female-bodied multiple system, and being... other things....
i guess one difference might be... just feeling like you're a man,
regardless of the body, versus feeling tied in to the body and needing
change it.... or maybe for some people they are trannyboys INSIDE as
and that changes their relationship to gender as well as to the body...
wonder if there are trannyboys inside male bodies or other similar
"'i am supposed to be the creative one. i am supposed to be
one. i am supposed to be the drama geek. i am supposed to be the
am supposed to be .... a good person!!!!!!!! these are a good person! i
not even a fucking person with an identity and if i start crying at work
will have to jump out of the window and we're on the 20th floor and it
would really freak people out if they realized that the walls are just
"'if i figure out that one specific thing isn't me it's
else, that means that either i get to know someone nearby better or else
get to find out about an exciting new person. it's just when i look
and i've given all my cards away....'
"jason: "ha ha it would be funny if someone were multiple
ate a lot
and they could say 'it's ok, i'm eating for ten people here!'"
aidan: "yeah! i should try that sometime!"
*split second pause while we both parse that*
jason: "but... you're not a multiple. Or--"
aidan: "Oh yeah, that would be me coming out. Yes I am."
jason: "Heh heh. Oh. Cool."
*we drive on*"
"we have different voice patterns and some of them are
lower, but there are a bunch of people who won't talk out loud because
the body's voice is too different from theirs. like cat i think and some
of the littles."
"I remember the community of drama classes, but not so much
plays. Some of the plays. not being in them so much though. In fact,
there was always a really distinct sense of no longer being in
control when I was on stage, in a performance, and thinking that now
makes me think that someone else probably did the acting. I wonder
who. I bet I could get tapes of some of the plays I was in; I wonder
if I'd recognize who it was. I wondered about it at the time, even; I
can remember being totally baffled by it and thinking that I just had
to get more control over myself because how could I be sure of not
messing up, or of delivering the lines right, if I wasn't conscious
of what I was doing when I was onstage. Wow! that's a really clear
sign of switching right there."
" we're still
not sure who's what. we just started out assuming
everyone was bi enough to like various morgans, at least, but more
things are coming out now."
"ok let's see. single lines mean a relationship and double line arrows
mean someone likes someone and i don't know if it's reciprocated.
kerry \ | / || |
| steven<==>rose -- lysand || mathematician
| || | ||
aron vv | <=======
chris<==todd k.==>todd m.<==tyler==>dustin
do you like the little row of queer boys along the bottom? except for
dustin :) talk about yer sluts though. it's just teeming with
and that funny l-shaped double arrow is sposed to go from aidan to todd
of kaleidoscope. and todd m. is todd of the myriad."
"On Tue, 9 Jan 2001, jinkies! wrote:
> i think adam gets off on it or something. gives him a natural
> the food colouring in orangeaid or something. except natural.
*giggles* we're all,
"*SHRIEK* we LOVE chumbawamba!
[not THAT much. jeeeeze.]
[an entertaining post to the darkpersonalities list"
is trying to figure out when he first started fronting and it's really
freaking him out cause he can't distinguish at first glance between
more recent memories feel like and what memories he doens't normally
remember feel like and when he tries to focus on memories everything
all chaotic and half the time someone else gets switched out. he's
on it though, he suspects he may have come out around two years ago or
something, but maybe not. you know? it's a horrible feeling, trying to
figure out who and when you are and having it totally destabilize
"steven and todd are ALways saying things that i don't fucking want them to ;) and i have to be like "i am so sorry! i did not mean to say
that! i do not know where it came from!" heh. they're usually just being amusing about something before i can think of a funny comment, but sometimes they're sooo inappropriate. and someone occasionally lets something terribly rude out around
matt or aeryn or whoever has been somehow pissing them off. i should
probably just say it wasn't me in those circumstances, since they'd
understand, except sometimes i agree with whatever it was and i don't feel like it's ok to fob it off on someone when i support the sentiment.
"it amuses me to drag people out
of the bisexual/transgendered/multiple/whatever closets that they didn't
know they were in. hee hee!")
"aww! my chris!
[rose! he's not YOUR chris!]
[shut up and go away, you.]
poor chris. [you guys quit getting in my *waaaay.*] [eek! she's on
rampage! RUN!] [*killing spree* hee hee just kidding. :-D ] "
"ok i'm downloading all these showtunes and stuff, since
musical tastes are SOOOOO different from anyone elses *rolls eyes at
ai* and we've just decided that 'Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me' from
Horror Picture Show needs to be our official system anthem ;-D
- todd lemon "
"yeah i think rose has a crush on chris [shut up! i do
not!] ha ha
in the parentheses? neener neener!'
- steven and rose"
"'cheese is easy to catch because it doesn't move!!' -
"'thumbs ARE good. tails are better. tongues are best.' -