"Rose has straight, shoulder-length-ish pink hair with inch-long blonde roots."

"I always assumed that was how role-playing felt to everyone, like they were switching different parts of themselves to be out front. Oops, that sounded really multiple. Like I stored the bits of my brain that would perform 'Kali' over HERE, and the bits for other people over HERE, and I was just moving my attention to one or the other of them... Well anyway."

"There's a big angry thing shaped like a raven and she digs her claws in and flies off with us sometimes. Sometimes she just sits there. Sometimes she has other feelings."

"the name Steven was one of those names, I think it was on a truck we passed or something. I rejected it and changed the subject but it kept coming back and it was obvious whose it was. It kinda helps me to be able to say 'and I was all, that's a STUPID name!' because I can think 'see, I am so clearly a different person having a conversation with someone there....'"

"I realized today that, well - I was thinking about names and about choosing them like if someone doesn't come with a name then they're not real or something. And today I finally realized hey! people aren't BORN with names. Names are stupid handles we make up cause our society leans away from calling people things like 'you know, the guy with the long earlobes who works at the coffeeshop' all the time. Why SHOULD people come with names??"

"'::gigglegiggle:: *ling*uistics.' - Todd Lemon"

"'muahahaha. i don't know, why don't we fuck you again and see who comes out. (evil grin)' - Steven, when Matt asked who was out 'i mean y'know, right at that one time....'"

"Rose actually enjoys talking to Briana."

"'Do you ever get that thing, where like, you'll be having a conversation or staring off into space or whatever, and there'll be like this click, but it's not an audible click noise - it's like a mental click-into-place - and of a sudden you're like, oh, now i'm paying attention, or like the scene starts anew for you - it doesn't rewind or anything, it's just like now you're *there*? BUT you were there before and you were paying attention before, only now it feels different?' - from the first time we consciously switched"

"'If *at any point* life was sucky enough for YOU to turn sideways and slip between the panes of reason like Alice through the Looking Glass, and in so doing, you discovered the world behind the mirror....
well then...
is there a problem with that?'
- Craig of the Brethren"

"dating Matt and subsequently joining darkpersonalities exposed me to a lot of different voices describing a lot of different experiences of being multiple, and making me realize that my weird memory (like, frequent inability to remember what i said to someone or what i did last weekend or what it was like to be in highschool - and the fact that sometimes i can remember these things perfectly - and then later have no memory of them again) and lots of other stuff i experience might actually have a *cause* or a *reason for happening.*"

"at some point someone (matt once, and probably ppl on the list too) was talking about how everyone else in their system had disappeared for some time, and how horrible it felt to be alone in their head, and i was like 'aw! i wish i weren't alone in my head' and then i thought 'wait a minute - i've never felt like i was alone in here.'"

"it's disturbing to find these idiotic rules and regulations creeping out of my head and into lists and other people. like, it's not so hard to stop doubting myself and constantly judging myself/peopleinmysystem when i'm the only one doing it and everyone outside is like 'no, let people be themselves, don't worry about what makes you real;' it's much harder when the stupid ideas of what makes you real and what's ok behavior come from outside."

" i think that it's natural for people, if they have open minds, to hear about multiplicity or transgenderedness or whatever and want to learn about it and question how, if at all, it fits into their lives. And some of them will find that it explains a lot for them and discover that they are multiple, and some of them will find that it leads them to explore good things but that they're not a multiple - but that exploring the idea of multiplicity led them to know themselves better anyway."

"personally, *my* theory is that there are way, way more multiples than anyone thinks, and that (1) the lack of widespread awareness of multiplicity and (2) the 'rules' about multiplicity ('i can't be a multiple, i wasn't abused/i'm not sybil/etc.') stop people from realizing they're multiple so it looks like there are so few multiples. and then that feeds back into it - 'i/you can't be a multiple, it must be a phase, because there just aren't enough multiples in the world that half the people i know should be thinking they're multiple.' dude, of course there are - cause you're going to know more of the open-minded people who would actually consider this, and the people who are multiples and hang around you because they see something of themselves in you that they just don't understand yet...."

"http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/sfgate/object.cgi?object=/chronicle/pictures/2000/ 12/19/dd_artshopz.jpg&paper=chronicle&file=DD148651.DTL&directory=/chronicle/arc hive/2000/12/19&type=entertainment

it's pretty and it's called a KALEIDOSCOPE HOUSE!!!!!!

we saw it at Where The Wild Things Are last week and we were all gasp! and then they showed it in the paper!!!!
and this picture is even better than the paper's!!
- lizbet"

"we have a little house. but it's not like the kaleidoscope house in the picture. it's a *little* house. and we are like a family. mostly. it is cool. but i think other people live places besides us too. the end.

- abigail"

"mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. angels are chewy."

"On Thu, 21 Dec 2000, jady & co ~~ wrote:

> DAD: Merry Christmas. * click *

wow. what a PRICK.

-- rose and steven "

"::giggles:: does this mean you have artificial flavorings and colorings? or preservatives of some kind? what's the FDA standard for a 'natural multiple' label? ;) "

"'yeah. i really loved that song when i first heard it cause i dunno sometimes i'm afraid people will forget the whole nuclear bomb fear thing. i'm only 22, i never grew up with that 'we're all going to die they'er going to push the button' situation (ah denial) but ... yeah. (and i worked for california peaceaction for part of a summer too which would be enough to put the fear of the bomb into anyone :) '
- rose rose hippie grrl"

"we have weird memory patterns. sometimes we can't remember anything from before we were five but other times we have good memories of them. (even when we can't there are a few stock memories from then.) for memories in general it's like everything behind "now" is foggy except for a few clear windows and the clear windows vary depending on... presumably who's remembering. we should try to chart it or something :-) "

"when we first got to college it was awful because for several years we couldn't remember what it was like to be in highschool or how we got to college. like, the memories were there, we just couldn't access them. couldn't remember what it felt like. no continuity. we dealt with it by trying to introduce our friends from high school to our college friends and keep in touch better with high school people, and that helped some. Eventually it became clear that we had totally different people fronting in college than in high school - no wonder 'I' couldn't remember what it felt like."

"we can say that too - that there wasn't anything incredibly abusive or traumatic in our history even after our teens. although we've had a couple of physically and/or emotionally abusive relationships, they didn't have that bad of an effect an us [although maybe that's because we're with such wonderfulwonderful people now and they make us feel so safe and respected *blowing them a kiss*]"

"i think people are maybe all made up of lots of people of varying amounts and they just have so many ways of explaining it away. like 'oh, i'm in the efficient place today' or 'i don't know where i got an idea like THAT, it just popped into my head' or 'my inner child is acting out' or whatever. so it gets hidden unless it's really really obvious, like people really make themselves known or aren't at all coconscious... and even then, the stigma and the lies about it all keep people from realizing what's going on for a long time a lot. well anyway."

"we have some kind of filter too. to make everyone the same flavor. i think. that's what it feels like anyway, although i think it's used less now that we're aware of it. i wonder if that gets thinned out around matt. i think he's just smart enough to see through it."

"we flip back and forth and around on the subject of little kids spelling stuff funny. the littles say or are about to write things a certain way and a lot of times someone will correct it for them and it's this tug of war between just being honest and practical and free speech, and struggling with the fear that it will look wrong or we're all making it up to be more real or whatever the thought of the day is. so for a while letting people 'write little' actually pushed them back underneath a torrent of argument and self-obsessed worries like that. but now we've worked out a thing where their speech patterns or writing style comes out the strongest sort of like dictating i guess. mostly older kids anyway, although i think lizbeth might be an age slider.")

"[after someone flirted with rose]
[someone else] ha ha ha ha you made her all flustered :-)
[rose] (ffft. clear out of here, brat-boy! (/) on you!)
*ahem* thanks :) i would say 'thanks, i work out' but i think that's an inside joke :)"

"'I think you're right about love. I think that ultimately, no matter what people's political arguments and beliefs are, if you can show them the problem [whatever it may be] in a way that shows its impact on actual people, their essential love for others will come through. And I don't care if I AM an optimist. :) '
- rose"

"we just thought everyone had 'em. you know... extensive internal conversations, completely different ways of responding to and dealing with the world, problems remembering many conversations from even a few days ago not to mention no ability to remember what it was like to be in high school or junior high or here or there.... doesn't everyone have that? :) "

"for that matter, i'm out all the time, i'm just co-conscious with everyone else who comes out. to varying degrees... mostly i'm out and so are others, but then sometimes i'm just watching what others are saying and doing. but there are definitely times when, now that i know it's possible, i wish i could just go elsewhere, go inside or turn myself off or something, if other people are going to be out there! i mean, everyone knows not to fuck stuff up. why should i have to be sitting around all fuzzy like that?"

"realizing i'm multiple has actually brought a lot of clarity to my life. like, stuff that was totally confusing and bad in my life before - like not understanding why i was always angry at aeryn, for a while, when she didn't even do anything - now has a reason, and therefore i can find ways to deal with it. like, finding out who's actually angry at her, and why,and asking them not to come out around her if they're going to be mad for no reason, or to talk to her about it, or even just for me myself to recognize that right then there's a lot of anger towards her in here and i should watch for that and try not to let it be expressed somehow."

"one of the most fascinating things about exploring being multiple, for me [aidan], has been finding out that PRACTICALLY EVERYONE ELSE IN HERE can cry. I mean I CAN cry, but i have tons of issues around it :) crying is bad! it's admtting weakness! it's showing people emotions that they can attack you for! klingons do not cry! but even the 'asshole boy' in here has no hangups about crying in front of people. *shakes head*"; Quotes[33] = "i think that there's no such thing as a common type of multiplicity, cause people's experiences are so different and there are so many possibilities. much like being genderqueer. like if someone said 'are most genderqueers butch?' i think i would just stare at them blankly."

"I know multiples who never lose time; I'm one of them."

"once i had a dream that president clinton bombed oakland, with an atom bomb (who knows why they do anything) and we were in a fish&tackle store (it was like 5am in the dream too. but not cause we were going fishing.) and everyone died. it felt like i was a match that burnt out. and like my mind was the head of the match and it was the last to go and i could sense the rest of the match burning up and crinkling till it went out. it didn't hurt or anything. but damn it was a creepy dream."

"that's how it was for us too. like... not so much that we didn't make sense as a singleton (except perhaps to the extremely perceptive myriad/matt) but that when we started examining the joins between different aspects/sides of "me" it became increasingly obvious that these were different people... and the more we thought about who these people were, the more obvious this became. it really helped us to make little lists of what we knew about each person and think about what else that told us about them."

"'transness + multiplicity = luv.'
- adam"

"If you're going to fantasize, fantasize about someone REAL. Like Mussolini." - Adam

"even though we thought we were entirely co-conscious [or aidan thought he was co-conscious with everyone, the little egotist ;)] there are times when someone is out almost all by themselves and the memories are just sort of vaguely accesible to others later. and learning more about everyone has meant both that we become more aware of that happening, and that we become better able to deal with it.
- adam"

"the more we know about people, the more people start to come out by themselves. aidan does a lot of trying to make people feel welcome and encourage them to come out. i think he gets tired of being out all the time, with all the energy he puts into questioning who's there and who he is and god he should just relax know what i mean
-- adam"

" i really like exploring the differences between being a man, who is in a female-bodied multiple system, and being a trannyboy in a female-bodied multiple system, and being... other things....
i guess one difference might be... just feeling like you're a man, regardless of the body, versus feeling tied in to the body and needing to change it.... or maybe for some people they are trannyboys INSIDE as well, and that changes their relationship to gender as well as to the body... i wonder if there are trannyboys inside male bodies or other similar combinations....
- adam"

"'i am supposed to be the creative one. i am supposed to be the resourceful one. i am supposed to be the drama geek. i am supposed to be the writer. i am supposed to be .... a good person!!!!!!!! these are a good person! i am not even a fucking person with an identity and if i start crying at work i will have to jump out of the window and we're on the 20th floor and it would really freak people out if they realized that the walls are just thin glass....'
- aidan"

"'if i figure out that one specific thing isn't me it's someone else, that means that either i get to know someone nearby better or else i get to find out about an exciting new person. it's just when i look around and i've given all my cards away....'
-- aidan"

"jason: "ha ha it would be funny if someone were multiple and they ate a lot
and they could say 'it's ok, i'm eating for ten people here!'"
aidan: "yeah! i should try that sometime!"
*split second pause while we both parse that*
jason: "but... you're not a multiple. Or--"
aidan: "Oh yeah, that would be me coming out. Yes I am."
jason: "Heh heh. Oh. Cool."
*we drive on*"

"we have different voice patterns and some of them are higher or lower, but there are a bunch of people who won't talk out loud because the body's voice is too different from theirs. like cat i think and some of the littles."

"I remember the community of drama classes, but not so much of the plays. Some of the plays. not being in them so much though. In fact, there was always a really distinct sense of no longer being in control when I was on stage, in a performance, and thinking that now makes me think that someone else probably did the acting. I wonder who. I bet I could get tapes of some of the plays I was in; I wonder if I'd recognize who it was. I wondered about it at the time, even; I can remember being totally baffled by it and thinking that I just had to get more control over myself because how could I be sure of not messing up, or of delivering the lines right, if I wasn't conscious of what I was doing when I was onstage. Wow! that's a really clear sign of switching right there."

" we're still not sure who's what. we just started out assuming everyone was bi enough to like various morgans, at least, but more subtle things are coming out now."

"ok let's see. single lines mean a relationship and double line arrows
mean someone likes someone and i don't know if it's reciprocated.

                       cat   jo---aidan==>e.
kerry                     \  |   /  ||    |
  |      steven<==>rose -- lysand   ||  mathematician
  |                ||       |       ||
aron               vv       | <=======
                chris<==todd k.==>todd m.<==tyler==>dustin

do you like the little row of queer boys along the bottom? except for
dustin :)  talk about yer sluts though. it's just teeming with
potentiality. sheesh.
and that funny l-shaped double arrow is sposed to go from aidan to todd
of kaleidoscope. and todd m. is todd of the myriad."

"On Tue, 9 Jan 2001, jinkies! wrote:
> i think adam gets off on it or something. gives him a natural high. like
> the food colouring in orangeaid or something. except natural.

*giggles* we're all,

"*SHRIEK* we LOVE chumbawamba!
[not THAT much. jeeeeze.]
[an entertaining post to the darkpersonalities list"

"aidan is trying to figure out when he first started fronting and it's really freaking him out cause he can't distinguish at first glance between what more recent memories feel like and what memories he doens't normally remember feel like and when he tries to focus on memories everything goes all chaotic and half the time someone else gets switched out. he's working on it though, he suspects he may have come out around two years ago or something, but maybe not. you know? it's a horrible feeling, trying to figure out who and when you are and having it totally destabilize everything."

"steven and todd are ALways saying things that i don't fucking want them to ;) and i have to be like "i am so sorry! i did not mean to say that! i do not know where it came from!" heh. they're usually just being amusing about something before i can think of a funny comment, but sometimes they're sooo inappropriate. and someone occasionally lets something terribly rude out around matt or aeryn or whoever has been somehow pissing them off. i should probably just say it wasn't me in those circumstances, since they'd understand, except sometimes i agree with whatever it was and i don't feel like it's ok to fob it off on someone when i support the sentiment.

"it amuses me to drag people out of the bisexual/transgendered/multiple/whatever closets that they didn't know they were in. hee hee!")

"aww! my chris!
[rose! he's not YOUR chris!]
[shut up and go away, you.]
poor chris. [you guys quit getting in my *waaaay.*] [eek! she's on the rampage! RUN!] [*killing spree* hee hee just kidding. :-D ] "

"ok i'm downloading all these showtunes and stuff, since apparently my musical tastes are SOOOOO different from anyone elses *rolls eyes at ai* and we've just decided that 'Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me' from Rocky Horror Picture Show needs to be our official system anthem ;-D *bounce!*
- todd lemon "

"yeah i think rose has a crush on chris [shut up! i do not!] ha ha now who's in the parentheses? neener neener!'
- steven and rose"

"'cheese is easy to catch because it doesn't move!!' - catriona"

"'thumbs ARE good. tails are better. tongues are best.' - catriona"