It seems like the more chaotic my life in general becomes, the more secure
and solid i am in liking *my* life. Like I put a lot of energy into taking
care of Lysand last week and he and Aeryn have both been having a lot of
bad stuff and work has been suffocative lately but when I get to just be
*me* i *love* it.
Like just now I dropped my BART ticket and hopped downwards to pick
it up and it felt perfectly normal and comfortable in that position -
whereas always before it's made me obsess (briefly) about looking weird
and bending wrong and am I sticking my butt out too much and am i giving
something away. And it was SO cool to be comfortable in my compact little
semi boy body. And it reminded me how many of my (trans) gender
experiences have been in the Mission - wearing a dress to a
Jeeviant-filled event, getting hormones, trannyfests, queer film fests,
going to YLP as a boy, going to Osento over and over....
another set of thoughts.
if i were a multiple, my system name would be kaleidoscope
i wonder about the memory thing, how i will have no idea i told
someone something or had a certain conversation and either vaguely
remember it when pressed later, or not at all.
i wonder deeply about the buzzy-head feeling & the time I had that
feeling and could not stop reacting to things with apparent anger though I
was not angry and had no idea I sounded mad & today i was feeling very
angry as well in that separate from me way and then it left and abruptly
it seemed as though i had been on muni forever - like both of our memories
of the time at once?
I wonder about the adjoining sense of small child temper tantrum (at
the prospect of not seeing Morgan in facilitator training) and about my
many tantrums as a little kid and about the other day when i let a little
kid co-consciousness come out to play with connor
I wonder about my extreme sense of dissociation between high schol and
college and my struggle to remember who I was in high school and what it
was like and what I did and smooth the break between them
I wonder about the talking to myself at length and how i used to hear
snippets/words before falling asleep
I wonder about the feeling of laughter that wells up even before a
joke made mentally is done
Trying to stop dissociating from the outside world has made me way
more aware of this stuff...
Is the sometime sense of totally being present and outgoing in a room
produced by someone inside me?
Sometimes I pay attention to who I am and run my mental fingers over
the bumps between mes
And I wonder about my inner world and my writing style which feels
like channeling something... and the houses....
I know I will feel like a copycat/delusional but I think reading
about this stuff and knowing multiples just gave me words to use that made
these things clear.