Journal 2000
entries from our rather short-lived journal, mostly culled from imood entries

this is my new archived weekdaily journalish thing. inspired by morgan and damon. it starts with the oldest entries, contrary to popular choice, because i hate reading something where the new stuff is at the top and you're reading everything backwards and you find out what happens in a situation before you know the situation exists and then there's no suspense, just the annoying flow of extrapolation from future to past. anyway. here.

July 17, 2000

My imood: Distant (whether it's updated up there or not, damnit!)

yay, it has "distant!" i feel totally removed from my emotions through the mighty team of sleep deprivation and too many months without being single. i mean, even when i'm not in a relationship, i'm not single, i'm just emotionally caught up in the post-relationship personal drama, and as soon as that's over (or even before it is) i fall into more of it all. I think i'm actually unable to be single. i just vacillate between "dating" and the extended play version of "hey, look, that one's CUUUUUTE." mostly, in fact, the latter, because i'm totally polyamorous.
well anyway. not necessarily an actual complaint. i enjoy it a lot. and of course it's fun to watch everyone get jealous. ;) it's just more fun with more sleep so i can actually think.


July 18, 2000

My imood: Excited

I'm listening to Diane's cd of punk covers of things like Rainbow Connection and Phantom of the Opera. d00d. I LOVE this stuff. Damien has a similar cd with punk covers of 80s songs. It all rocks.

I'm excited and elated about Morgan. He's so cute and hot and sweet and smart and EVERYthing. I didn't expect to be this into him. I was like "oh, he's cute. We can flirt and stuff." no, no, no, no. I've never met such an utter and total SLUT, either :-D it's wonderful to meet someone so ... okay... slut-a-riffic. I was fantasizing about him compulsively throughout our corpwebextradevnet whatever it was meeting this morning. very distracting :-9


July 18, 2000

Today's imood: Excited

I'm listening to Diane's cd of punk covers of things like Rainbow Connection and Phantom of the Opera. d00d. I LOVE this stuff. Damien has a similar cd with punk covers of 80s songs. It all rocks.

I'm excited and elated about Morgan. He's so cute and hot and sweet and smart and EVERYthing. I didn't expect to be this into him. I was like "oh, he's cute. We can flirt and stuff." no, no, no, no. I've never met such an utter and total SLUT, either
:-D
it's wonderful to meet someone so ... okay... slut-a-riffic. I was fantasizing about him compulsively throughout our corpwebextradevnet whatever it was meeting this morning. very distracting :-9


July 19, 2000

Today's imood: Antsy

Sex is weird. it scares me, not for any kind of normal expectable reasons, but because it requires some kind of energy commitment that for some reason I'm never prepared to give. I think it's tied in with the way I used to freak out anytime I had a major event to go to at a certain time. Even if I knew when I was going, and how, the event would just loom over me all day. Or maybe it's just because I so often feel like everyone wants a piece of me - like, driving them everywhere, cooking for them, giving them attention when I want to read, etc. And now someone wants me to give them *ahem* my FULL attention? for an undetermined amount of time? during which i will be leaving myself open to all sorts of possibilities - like SUCKING!

wait. i mean - like being BAD AT IT!

or maybe it's a control issue. you want me to do what to you, and for as long as you want? what if i want to go to sleep?

you can see why i prefer morning sex. MORNING sex, now, you've slept all night, there's nothing to do (that's an automatic, or else you're going to work, not having sex. i should make that an i statement), there's sunshine on the bed, you're lazing around playing with each other, maybe your roommate will make you breakfast.... this is my idealist mental image of it, of course. it's not like i don't enjoy sex. it's not like i don't need to fuck morgan's brains out, all day if possible. it's just confusing to plan it, i guess. darn bevy of sluts chasing morgan through my apartment :)


July 19, 2000

Today's imood: Confused

It is weird to be entering into something special with Morgan (how's that for not labeling it?) when I know that so many other people are after him. As Scott has pointed out, I have "caretaker issues," like I feel like I need to make sure everyone's happy and ok all the time, so I feel particularly weird about doing anything with Morgan in front of anyone else. In the same house as anyone else, even. Guilty, because I worry that I'll make them feel sad about not doing the same thing or "getting Morgan" or something. I can tell myself "well, they own their own emotions, i am not in charge of how they feel," but that's just rhetoric at this point. really the only thing I've thought of to deal with it is that polyamory's beauty means they can go after Morgan as much as they want themselves. And of course it's REALLY complicated by the fact that Aeryn wrote on the board that she's in love with me. aaaa! I don't want that right now, I'm SO against unrequited love, and I feel like I should be with her just because it would make her happy, except fortunately I actually have boundaries against dating people who need that much therapy in relationship ways. I just wish that everyone who wanted me could express it in small bites, instead of so many people (not just Aeryn, in fact, most of my roommates in one way or another) being so demanding of my attention in big guilt-trippy ways. Like figuring out what they wanted from me right then... i'm sure i'm just talking out my ass, actually. if someone wants me or feels abandoned by me or something, getting a hug from me isn't going to fix that, there are bigger issues to address. Oh i don't know!


July 20, 2000

Today's imood: Ugh

yeah.

clubs.yahoo.com appears to be missing a certain club called InterAllied - the one i started for intersex people, which was doing really well - it's still listed in the clubs directory but clicking on the name or entering the url gets a little note about "The club may have been deleted or no club with that name exists." I emailed them yesterday via the feedback form - that being the only means of contact I could find - no answer yet. I'm really anxious about this because I've already had this experience with one web site - my rant pages were deleted from the free server they were on, and i never got any response to my demands about why. All these services have "we can delete/remove you at any time for any reason" clauses in their user agreements; I've never noticed one that didn't. It's still lousy cricket, and especially rude to refuse any response to questions about it.

don't ever use fastfreewebs.com. they're the ones who deleted me. they suck, they're evil.

so i can think of three possibilities: (1) yahoo deleted us for some reason (then why are we still in the club listings?)
(2) one of the other founders (all the members have this power) deleted it, accidentally or on purpose (see above, though)
(3) there's an error in yahoo's code or database somewhere that's breaking our link

i'm rooting for #3.

anyway. there's that, and a certain amount of free-floating anxiety, and a lot of sleep deprivation. although sleep deprivation is sure as hell mitigated by high numbers of people sleeping in my bed and being all nice and cuddly and stuff. especially when c. comes in and giggles incoherently for five minutes and romps around being silly before i get up. i love that kid so much.

i think the sex things i talked about yesterday will be ok, anyway. my main problem seems to be getting any time alone with morgan ;)


July 21, 2000

Today's imood: Hopeful

and kind of hyper. i had an espresso chocolate truffle for breakfast. and a can of oj and a piece of fake jerky. i heart fake jerky. 22 grams of tasty protein for $2.50 - just what every trannyboy needs. ian just told me - mid-rant about the mills servers and nerd.administration - that i have cgi access on bombdiggity.com. I really need to get off my ass and become a real nerd with a mind that can hold all this info at once. oh GOOD, apparently the reason i didn't know is cause he forgot. i've had this account for over a year, ian! oh well, at least he's hot ;)

AND he knows everything about nerd stuff, everything at all. i should seriously just apprentice myself to him. here's a plan: save up, rent a house, and drag him out here for the "year in s.f." his mom suggested pre-transitioning. :->


Insane:

::froths at oihosting.com:: gimme signup form! i no patience! kill grasshoppers!


Angry:

actually, hostile.


Irritated:

they should really put "itchy." being overly deprived of sleep and having too many pressures (darn car breaking down, darn tuxedo needing pick-up, darn movie to go see) i'm twitching out of my chair here. nyrrrg.


July 22, 2000

Today's imood: Full

happy contented expansive fullness. scott is making a sandwich with (organic complete protein) bread we (i) just bought and mayonnaise that is quite old. and it's NOT four years old, but i can see a situation where it could be. i've lived in this apartment for nearly two years and in this city for nearly four. it makes me really really happy to have the sort of history in a place where i could conceivably be all "heh heh. that mayonnaise is four years old. and it's still good."


July 24, 2000

Today's imood: Carefree

blissful, people, the word is blissful. i should log the words i want imood to add to their list. hostile, itchy, blissful. i think i have seasonal affective disorder considerably more than i thought. i've been utterly mellow for three days now, regardless of time pressures, or having to deal with going to my dad's wedding in a tuxedo and a mohawk, or anything else. and all three days that i've felt like this, it's been super-sunny and warm outside. so. yay for that. maybe i should still be taking st. john's wort, or something along those lines. hm.


July 25, 2000

Today's imood: Wonderful

morgan is wonderful and amazing and sweet and terrific. i want to go home and pet him and play with him and take him everywhere and show him everything. the sun is out and i love the sun. also, apparently i'm the world's best roommate, parent, and coworker, at least that's the message i'm getting from enthused roommates and bosses ;-) talk about a flash in the pan. i should clean when i get home to keep this up ;-) i washed the cat last night. she's CLEAN and now i ought to get laundry quarters (as opposed to real quarters)

and wash all the bedsheets and towels and pillowcases and i can vacuum the furniture

(FUR-niture!) that's a pun!)

so none of it will make anyone allergic anymore! mmmm, yeah. that's all i'm going to say here for now.


July 26, 2000

Today's imood: Smitten

by you, morgan :-)

update: wait... should that have been "with you"?

update: i think i should make this iMood into a journal entry instead of just sending it repeatedly to Morgan ;-) because there are SO many sweet wonderful people in my life that I'm smitten with, in different ways. there's my wonderful roommate śryn, who is cute and snuggly and funny and into cleaning ;) and the sweet and loving and hyperactively dangerous damien, and everyone in my whole family, and my fabuloriffic tranny-brother Scott, and my very sparkly good wifey of four years!!, and my amazingly sane friends like cola and andra, and um... now i'm going to get in trouble/make ppl sad for not mentioning them. there are too many! aaaa! aaaaaa! i should just add my other fishies (ian! katy! shahn! i love you guys!) and run away and promise to say more later.

p.s. and morgan! who is smart and sexy and cute and loveful and creative and kind and brave and broad-minded and fun. did i mention sexy? why does scott have a condom on his head?


July 31, 2000

Today's imood: Disconnected

and detached.

i used to freak out at deadlines. like, if i was going to Dyke March at 4, i might panic all day long about getting there on time because of the vagaries of the busses, of BART, of my poor little junker car Bethany, of millions of people at the last minute needing rides or taking too long... and i have major problems with not being able to control when or how i get somewhere. So I eventually solved this intense panic problem by, I think, getting as detached as possible and not caring whether i got places on time or not. this was fine for a while, especially on public transportation where being all relaxed about your fate is the best thing. but then I went too far and completely dissociated (our household's new favorite word) from any deadlines or needs to get places on time... to the point where I'm sort of fatalistic that I won't get anywhere on time... which then makes me do all the "i can't care, i have no power" thing even harder and just keep staying places too long and leaving later because what does it matter? i'll be late anyway! oh and then people get increasingly angry at me for always being late, which makes me retreat even further, so i'm in these several vicious circles right now.

i don't know what to do about this. now that i've figured out what exactly i did, i think i can backtrack.


August 1, 2000

Happy Lammas! Today's imood: Giggly

actually, at the moment i'm more fuzzy and fading-at-the-edge-of-work-ish. but i wanted to write about being giggly because lately that's been my dominant mood.

i don't know if it's weather-related or not, but i have been awfully giggly lately. like, something will strike me as funny and i'll just laugh and laugh for minutes like a little kid. it's like i'm becoming even more myself than i was before the whole "graduation" fiasco that kinda sucked the joy out of my personality for months and months and months and months. morgan helps too, i don't know exactly how to describe why. i could resort to stereotypes and say that it's because he's younger than I am, but that's a really simplistic way of putting it. anyway i'm glad that i'm healing from the insanity cause it was really bad. really bad.


August 2, 2000

Happy Lammas! Today's imood: Empty

i have gotten good at being detached from other peoples' drama. but when there's this much drama, maybe i get too detached?


August 3, 2000

Smiley

why don't they have sparkly?!

Smitten

oh, morgan, you're so peachy nifty awesome wonderful :)


August 7, 2000

Achy

my!
HEAD!
HURTS!!!


August 8, 2000

Happy Lammas! Today's imood: Energetic

I'm stoked about taking gingko. I haven't had that "help i am lost in informationless brain fog i am stupid" feeling in a while. Partly that's a result of greater self-esteem about asking questions and trusting that they're not TOO dumb, but mostly I think it's taking gingko regularly. And I can tell the difference - I can tell when I've forgotten to take it.

My two lists for today:
STUFF TO DO (no particular order)
1. Clean desk
2. Find book publishing guides online
3. Collate stories I know I want to use in my anthology
4. List what they include and what more I want
5. Expand my query letter
6. Clean more of dmoz.org/society/transgendered (3 cats?)
7. Eat, damn it

STUFF I COULD WORK ON IF I WERE IN THERAPY (ranked by stars)
*1. Caretaker issues (how to have the resources to fulfill three people's emotional needs)
2. Recovery from graduation
**3. Emotional... honesty? Contact with my emotions, ability to express them, stuff.
4. Anger issues? these are less extant now with most of #2 accomplished
**5. Honoring my commitments, finding strength for motivation
*6. Gender stability - being more comfortable with coming-out issues.

Today's irritating corporate phrase that makes me want to hammer a ballpoint into the speaker's head: "Turn it around." And variations. Used in a way that has nothing to do with turning anything around, with opposites, with different sides of things, no hay una vuelta aqui. OR used to repeat someone's question back to them in a way that doesn't make sense but emphasizes that you have enough power to speak gibberish and be obeyed. "Let me turn that around on you and say, why DON'T we offer free computers to giraffes?" yes. yes you're right.

you can see some of my current issues from the list of therapy crap. i am in this vicious ass biting circle (i think it's a circle. maybe it's an oval. maybe it's a trapezoid.) where i need space, or time alone to read, or some other way to recharge, but then one of my roommates (who i love and want to support) will need attention and cuddling. and apparently i'm the only one who can give this to them. But on top of that, them being in a need-for-cuddling place precludes speech. If they're there, they aren't in a place where they can tell me they need cuddles. So they express it in some way that makes me mad, through no fault of their own, just because i'm already in a "leave me alone!" place. And if I could go off and BE alone, I could come back and cuddle them. Or if they could say "I need some attention right now please," I could know to put everything aside for them. But instead they get my wrath, which makes them more upset, which escalates into, like, drama sessions that go till 4am. Plus, Damien in particular, when he's in the bad place, makes everything into a reason that people hate him or don't want to touch him, so like, he decides Morgan is disgusted by him, he decides that Morgan never likes or liked giving him any attention at all, he decides that I'm nicer to Morgan than to him and that I should not have a relationship with Morgan until Morgan goes to Santa Cruz and instead I should be focusing on him and Aeryn because they've been my friends longer.... I don't understand why they can't cuddle each other. Maybe they each think that the other one hates them when they're in the self-hatey place. Ok, enough public disseminating of roommate drama.

i'd like to close with a joke:
How many druids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None! Druids screw in oak groves!


August 9, 2000

Today's imood: Loved

mmm. Gosh.

I just think it's so cool that one of the morganly insiders can come out, and talk to me (she was really sweet and articulate. actually, most of the insiders i've met are!) and write a whole journal essay for one of their collabs, and then finish it and go back inside, and then morgan comes back out and is all "what? where did this come from?! who was that?!?"

and it's a really, really wonderful essay. and part of it was about me! and and... that we were experiencing a degree of kindred. i can't paraphrase. i don't have the words or the self-assurance right now :) it's the nicest thing anyone could say about me, that and julie's statement that "i just get the feeling that you are a protector's buddy, ya know? like yah." (julie rocks.)

i think one of my favorite things about dating is getting to see deep inside someone. and there is soooo.... so much to know and love about morgan and all the morgans and all the insiders. i just get this tremendous sense of peace from that essay. space and utter groundedness and peace.

i don't know what else i can say. I feel inarticulate. i feel like... what's between morgan and me is made out of cobwebs or something... that you can't see unless the sun shines at a certain angle... (and cobwebs are stronger than steel for their size)

like it's stretchy and delicate and growing and translucent. strong and like nothing i've experienced yet. and when i'm with morgan, i open up to parts of myself that i stopped exploring too long ago.

oo and i met angela last night. she came out when aeryn brought out all her jingly metal balls, no puns please. she was quiet, and sounded younger than morgan jo, and focused directly on the wonder of the balls, so that it was hard to tell if jo even switched for a while because angela was barely talking. and i didn't want to be like "which one are you?" because that's rude and damien said that it made them feel unwelcome, so i showed people the list of insiders that i'd printed out and angela opened it up and found herself and pointed. and i was like, wow, one of the people that are barely on this list. morgan needs to put more describings in ;)


August 11, 2000

Today's imood: Apprehensive

hm. i forgot to take gingko last night. this time i only noticed cause i yawned really hard and thought of things to write in here and i was like, oh, oxygen finally made it to my brain. ....... hm. .... did i ever actually TAKE the gingko?

of course, maybe i did take it. it's been a mentally/emotionally tiring week. i am apparently the drama-fixer in our household. damien has been really self-hating lately, which is hard on him for obvious reasons and hard on me because it means he interprets every syllable or muscle twitch from others as a sign that they hate him. which then causes all kinds of scenes and drama between him and aeryn or morgan or people who aren't even in the apartment with us. plus, then it makes it really hard for me to interact with others because he starts to think that i hate him or that i like them better or that everyone likes someone more than they like him and he's the odd man out. i'm not a trained therapist, which is really what he needs to deal with this. it's a two-bedroom apartment, it's not built to deal with this kind of stuff. it's probably not even earthquake-safe for pete's sake.

anyway. the emotional drain, the lack of sleep, and the pressure to filter everything i do through how it will affect everyone in the room with me ... yeah. i actually did set up a therapy appt. to talk about this and some other stuff. as listed previously, in part. i'll just talk really fast to get through it all ;-) and what. oh and yeah... no c'mon that's too personal to talk about here. oh i dunno. well i have this problem that i frequently get separated from my emotions, either because i have a big sleep debt or because i'm just emotionally drained from something. and then i worry about my relationships and start going "oh! i feel nothing for this person! i do not know what to do!"

this is why friday dates are a good thing. going to farmer's markets and children's art stores and wandering around eating each other's raspberries is a good antidote for that sort of nonsense. and i got lots of good stuff for people. yay.


later

Today's imood: Enchanted they don't have falling!

i am not fallen, but falling.


August 15, 2000

Today's imood: Happy

against the odds ;) i am happy because being with morgan makes me happy.

interestingly, the house drama almost reached equilibrium last night, with rue and scott over. meaning that there were more people being caretakers than just me. in particular, the wonderful aeryn and the fabulous morgan have been bonding and taking care of each other, which makes me really happy. and even, apparently, damien and aeryn, which is even better.

i think i should just fuck morgan's brains out whenever he gets near the bad place. ::waggles fingers thoughtfully::

god i hate my chair at work now. i have enough body issues already, i don't need for my calves to hurt from walking in crappy sandals and my wrists to hurt from leaning on the wrong things and my back to hurt from leaning over things! a pox on the whole computer industry, *I'M* going to run off and become a famous queer writer.

of porn.

anyway. hey, now i bet the search engines will turn my site up all the time - since it has "tranny" and "porn" on it ;)

gods i'm hungry. ok. so like, it annoys me that i can't just throw on a dress and go to work. my gender issues are too fucked up in my head with "what will people think?" why do i care? except that i do. i wish i could be this glittery goth boy who fucks with gender, but all i can pull off right now is "gosh i hope my breasts don't escape." i'm sure that's normal or whatever, but it's really annoying. there's a hothead cartoon where lampy says that hothead's always been secure in her identity, and this year she wants her to upgrade to the unshakeable. and that she just has to figure out who she is and stand in the center of it. and that it's her gift this year to all the freeks.

not a skill i have mastered.

i need quarters. this shirt is filthy.

so i have to talk to my therapist about that today. the gender, not the shirt. unless she has some quarters she wants to give me. other things... obviously, caretaker issues, not to mention boundaries like, you know, i can't keep taking care of people if i don't get time in my own body space to replenish. or whatever. i've already ended up at the bottom of the energy barrel twice, which is interesting to experience, but it's not going to help, say, aeryn, so she should keep her darn gropey fingers off me when i'm reading or i'll bite them off! :-) sigh.

what else. graduation. i need to talk to someone about what that was like and how i've been afraid it's all going to happen again because it's the same time of year again. i miss cola. i know i need to spend more time with special people outside my apartment. nnnnnrrrrrrgh. i can't even drop on in them anymore cause my car doesn't work. the problem mostly has been (1) i'm busy all the time and (2) i can't just be like "now i am going to cola's house" cause there are too many people to account for. like for a while i couldn't just do that alone cause scott was always over and it would be ridiculous to be like "bye scott i'm going to our mutual friends' house" and i felt bad just *going.* I don't know. i'm insane.

and morgan's people are back! insiders did not leave forever! i miss them! i want to play with playmobil and see them! and shower them with looove.

so yeah. i forget what else i was going to say. maybe that i really enjoy being known to at least one person at work as "oh yeah! you're the guy with the NeXT bag!" she's cool. she used to work for them. and now she's going to go do contract work in their old building but now it's phone.com. geek life has changed.

we need to unionize. i mean, the old old old labor movement brought us the weekend and beer on fridays. what amazing things could we bring?


August 21, 2000

Today's imood: Angry

sparklyimp: Meep?
I'd love to know what's going on, but I dun want to make you repeat everything at cost to your sanity :)
fabglitter: haha
fabglitter: cut and paste, baby
fabglitter: well ok so aeryn's been going through this intense shit lately where she has been remembering all this horrible stuff that she won't tell us about. like, she's never been able to remember hardly anything from before she was about 20. She said it was like she woke up and she hadn't even been the one living her life until then.
fabglitter: and of course, morgan was like, um, that sounds really dissociative and like the kind of thing that multiples go through
fabglitter: heh. eventually i'll get to a point where i can cut and paste. background background it's alla bout background
sparklyimp: Heh
fabglitter: um. so like yeah. and aeryn's been remembering a lot of horrific crap and having flashbacks and i think it's a combination of being in a (mostly) safe place for the first time in her life, and of being around morgan who is totally multiple and has had a huge history of abuse, that is bringing this up for her now.
sparklyimp: ahh
fabglitter: so like, yeah... like the more aeryn talks about what's going on, the more obvious it is that she really dissociates (like, cutting herself doesn't hurt, because it just feels like it's happening to someone else, and the thing about how all her memories don't exist for her and seemed to have happened to someone else) and she was really in denial, i think partly because she didn't want anything bad to have happened and partly because she is afraid that if she were multiple, it would just be because she wanted to be like morgan and she would be faking it, that she's just a fake person who absorbs all character traits from others, including being transgendered, including being abused. so if she were multiple that would just prove it all
sparklyimp: meep
fabglitter: and i went in there the other day and they had all gotten out this big box of clay and art supplies that aeryn has, and were playing with it and making little sculptures and things, and aeryn was sitting on the floor looking sort of rigid with the most disturbed expression on her face. and i was like, um, aeryn? and she jumped and didn't know what was going on and she had made this little jabberwocky sculpture that she used to make all the time but she doesn't make clay stuff anymore and she hasn't in years and she didn't know what was going on and she had to leave the room cause she couldn't deal with the stuff that the art supplies are bringing up for her. last night she told me that it felt like some way younger person was out doing that and she was like in the back of her head.
sparklyimp: eek...
fabglitter: and oh the big one was that
fabglitter: there was this night a week ago or so... morgan'
fabglitter: er
fabglitter: nice return key. behave
sparklyimp: aie, ellen and anne broke up
fabglitter: i heard that! that's so sad
fabglitter: i really want anne to be all "i'm bisexual now!"
sparklyimp: heheh
fabglitter: and i can see the gay press watching over her like vultures to find some quote they can make into a "ellen has spoiled me i will never go back to men" thing
sparklyimp: Yeah really
fabglitter: they did that with sinead. her interview in girlfriends is all "no, really, i may have dated men and had a kid with one and loved them but i SWEAR i'm a lesbian!" and then she's quoted in entertainment weekly as saying that there's no such thing as lesbian or straight and she's something else
fabglitter: *annoyed noise*
sparklyimp: aiee.
fabglitter: pick one, sinead! stop manipulating her, media!
sparklyimp: rarr
fabglitter: morgan's ex gf dite (short for aphrodite if you can believe it :-D ) was visiting for the night. and damien was pissed off because he'd meant to be gone for that. because dite got mad at them and kicked them out of morgan and dite's apt. once and so they cordially hate each other now. and he decided, you know, there's lots of ppl here, i don't want to get on bart, i'll just stay in the apt. after all, and then i mentioned that i was going to scott's house for the night. and he got all pissed off and made this "how could you do this to me" face, in front of everyone, and i was like "what? i do not have responsibility to make you happy." i didn't say that though, i was just like "what? what do you want to say?"
so he sat there and exuded anger and bitterness and made everyone really uncomfortable and aeryn hid under her blankets and hummed to herself until he stomped out.
and later on i went out there and i was like "we need to talk. that was not ok." and i was really mad at him. and i let him know. like i did not filter the pissyness out of my tone. and so he got all agitated at me angrily telling him off and he was like "just calm down, aidan!" and i didn't change my tone and he got all mad and lunged at me.
sparklyimp: lunged at you??
fabglitter: and i think he meant to just do this thing he does now, where he leeeans into me with one hand on each side of me, but i assumed that he was attacking me (and you know, his alternative is no less threatening) and so i bit him really hard. and so then we started fighting. and i managed to like pin him down. and i was choking him because that was the only way i could think of to make him calm down and i yelled for scott to come break it up cause that's the only thing that's ever worked.
and scott came out and c. was crying because he had been going to bed and he heard us yelling at each other. and scott was really mad that c. heard us and he split us up and we were going to go to his house right away with the baby except then aeryn was missing
sparklyimp: oh dear oh dear
sparklyimp: hrm. i need to go... i going to the beach in 20 minutes
fabglitter: and i finally found aeryn curled up in the corner of the kitchen. and she was like shaking and crying uncontrollably. and i finally got her to stop. and she looked up and around and she was all "what's going on?" and i was all, um, what do you mean what's going on? and she said "what time is it?" and i told her and she still looked confused, and i was like, don't you remember, me and damien fighting, um....
fabglitter: and then i went to get her water and she said "Daddy?"
and i said "excuse me?" and she said "was my dad just here?"
and i was like, "no. oh my god. i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry...." until she told me to stop. and she said she thought she was hiding from her dad.
and the disturbing thing to me is that damien apparently had gone into the kitchen before this, while we were outside, and opened the fridge, and seen aeryn, and hadn't done anything. and had heard scott and morgan talking about how they couldn't find aeryn, and hadn't done anything.
anyway. so like... yeah. and so, you know, morgan in particular really does think aeryn's multiple. and aeryn's said a lot of things especially last night about how there are other people in her head that are watching everything she does and orchestrating the whole thing so that she seems to be multiple so that she can get attention but they don't really believe that she's multiple. but they're in her head! and so there are extra thoughts for everything that happens! and it's insane!
and this morning, i mention to damien that aeryn finally believes that she's mutliple, and he goes "she shouldn't self-diagnose like that," all prissy and kind of rude, and i was like, don't you think people know more about what's going on in their own heads than some therapist diagnosing them might? and he said no.
and then morgan later on saw him and said did you know aeryn is a multiple, and morgan says damien "got the worst expression on his face and said don't diagnose yourself and stomped off."
and it makes us really mad because it's so hard for her to believe herself in anything, and get out of denial, and have any sense of self-worth, and damien's being an asshole about it, and he doesn't even know because he doesn't talk to us about why this might be. he just makes his asshole statements.
fabglitter: ok. you may go now ;-)
fabglitter: morgan says "he's fucking jealous and i want to kill him. it just makes me so mad because i know he's jealous and he thinks it's as simple as letting aeryn into some sort of club that he doesn't get to be included in. i know he would never admit it but that's how he feels. coz he has said so many times that he wants to be a multiple."
sparklyimp: aaaaghh.
fabglitter: heh
fabglitter: ::Sweetly:: i think i will post this to my web page.
sparklyimp: Ack!
sparklyimp: Sweet :)
fabglitter: and i've been SO mad at him all weekend cause i've had all these friends from davis visiting and he performs the asshole boy thing so much more in front of them. even b. noticed.
fabglitter: and bonds with them by trashing me. and it's not cute or nice
fabglitter: it's normal, but he does it too much
sparklyimp: that's really dumb
fabglitter: yeah
sparklyimp: he should ... fall off something


August 22, 2000

Today's imood: Lovestruck

morgan is neat.

i will now ramble disconnectedly.

morgan is neat.

i was buying raspberries more to replace the farmer's market we missed than to recreate it. or just to have special time.

is it wrong to just react to someone else's journal entry here?

is it wrong to put html tags in what is really an imood before it is a web page?

i don't want to go to therapy because i feel like there's nothing particularly wrong right now. like the main thing i need to deal with is how to be a good partner/friend/roommate to people with ptsd. (i would say lover, except that that's not the problem :)
and i don't want to "waste" therapy time talking about that because i know i'd get really good stuff, but i also think my therapist might spend too much time on it. and the whole reason i set up another appt. for this week was because i didn't get to talk about stuff that felt like a really big deal last week - but which doesn't this week - so can i really process it effectively? argh.

arghhhh! i love that word. it reminds me of high school. aaaaaaaaaaugh. arrgh! aaaaaargghghggghh.

tra la.

aeryn: i have this fear that damien might actually think that aeryn is not a multiple, or rather, specifically, that he might think that because he might think that she is just picking it up from morgan, or more likely, that we are just obsessed with morgan and so we think simply everyone's a multiple. except those who want to be ;-) but i finally came up with reasoning here. list one: reasons for thinking aeryn is multiple.
1. because the person we know as aeryn only "woke up" a few years ago, and doesn't remember anything (hardly) before then.
2. because when she does remember things, the memories weren't there a minute ago.
3. because she switches. example: "the one who plays with clay." i mean, i walk into the room, they're all playing with clay, aeryn's whole body is different, the next time i come in she's freaking out because she never makes anything with clay anymore, hasn't for years and years, and doesn't remember making the thing she made.
4. she keeps making statements that are blatantly multiple without realizing what she's saying or that they're really characteristic of multiplicity (like when i was all "ha ha! you just named someone! the-one-who-plays-with-clay!" and she said "we have no names. names do not matter to us" and then i wrote it down and showed it to her and she was like "aa! i said that?!")
5. people CAN know themselves better than shrinks do. like, maybe if she'd gone to a shrink and said all this and been told, "oh that's not multiple stuff that's this other thing," then damien might have a basis for argument. although there is still really piggy behavior in the medical health community. they treat multiples much like they treat trannies: like sick fucks who are lying about everything. obviously there are exceptions to this, but it's still so prevalent that it's really disturbing to me that anyone would say "you can't diagnose yourself, you have to go have a doctor validate you." i mean if you start believing people can't "self-diagnose" and identify as multiples, you might as well say the same for trannies. according to the psychiatric industry, you know, that's how it's STILL supposed to work for us. plus, aeryn hasn't even been assigned a therapist yet. plus, i don't understand the vitriol behind damien's words. what does he have invested in aeryn's not being multiple? in keeping her from "self-diagnosing?" jealousy??

heck, if it's jealousy, if he wanted to be multiple so bad, i think he'd be better off finding out everything he could about it. seeing if there was any way in which he was multiple. maybe he has and he's concluded there's not and now he's attacking anyone who might be. it's just so fucked-up no matter what the reasoning is.

ok. anyway. things to ask my therapist: what are good ways to help roommates having ptsd/panic attack sorts of problems... i think i'm finally over all the stuff i went through last fall. um. then why should i ever talk about it?
- because i've never described to anyone what it was like and i think i need to
- because there are still issues, bruises, that weren't there for me before which i would like to heal... including being really touchy about friends not respecting my relationships, or scapegoating them, or like being really touchy about people being needy (specifically, not when they actually need me, but more like when people just think i should be their sole source of attention and that they're my responsibility)
- it would be good to learn some of the skills that i was missing last fall, like the ability to imagine my life past its current point, or the ability to ask for help when i'm going insane, or the ability to stay present and aware of what's going on and communicate it to others, or the ability to make deadlines and pay bills on time and actually care.... yes. ok. i see.

i wonder what it means that my main solution to everything is reading. like, reading is the one thing that *almost* always relaxes me, the one time i breathe deeply and correctly - automatically!- the cure-all for every time that i'm swamped by people who really need me or who all want my attention or when i have too much stress or stuff to do, the thing that makes all the neurons in my brain fire in the happy good ways... it's not dependent on the book, generally. why is all this? interesting.
words are my water.


August 28, 2000

Today's imood: Annoyed

argh. my desk phone apparently isn't working

and i need to make damien call the rental agency.
(but he logged off and he's going to sf soon damnit)

and my binder is slipping

and i'm hungry

and tired

and i crave chocolate


August 29, 2000

Today's imood: Abandoned

last night i slept till 4:30. then aeryn came in and she was freaking out because she had really bad dreams. so we petted her and then i said maybe she could go back to sleep safely if we were cuddling her. but she freaked out and ran in the bathroom and said i couldn't go in my room or go get water because there were people having sex all over the house. and i did the math and i said there *couldn't* be, so i stepped into the hallway and almost ran into my closed bedroom door. and i knocked on it and there was giggling and i said "this is MY BEDROOM!!" and they came out all abashed. having finished fucking. which was good. and helped comfort aeryn. it was really weird for a minute though, like we'd all been pulled into her nightmare.

so we all sat up talking for a while and then aeryn thought it was ok to go to bed. and we talked some more and they made fun of me about something. but i don't remember what. but it hurt my feelings. and i turned around and slept with my feet at the head of the bed. and then i think they made fun of me for something else and it was sad. and i waited a really long time and then said "when you guys made fun of me, i felt sad and rejected." but scott (who always bugs me about not expressing my feelings and being a "stoneybutt") was asleep. so all the response i got was teasing about having rehearsed that and saying it less robotically next time. and i was mad at scott for something already i think and i licked him. and he woke up and was upset that i'd licked him. and it sucked. and i curled up in a little ball. and then i was crying because i felt like i didn't have any actual friends, all i had were people who wanted things from me and got mad if they didn't get them. and scott had already gone to sleep and he didn't hear me talking about my emotions so the only response i got was teasing about being robotic and rehearsing saying that first. but then damien knew i was sad even though i was being very quiet (he always knows what i'm doing in the dark, it's amazing) and he came over and hugged me and held my hand for a really long time and it was sweet.

yeah. i dunno. see, first cola and andra (but specifically cola) were all mad at me because i was trying to talk smack about damien to convince aeryn that she was not a bad roommate, and i was trying to get cola to agree, and she was all "i don't feel like talking to you about damien because i could have told you all this a year ago and i did. and now you're all, oh, now that we're broken up i'm going to talk smack about my ex." and i was like, that's not what it's like, i did talk smack about him before we broke up and i'm not just doing it because he's my EX. but i did try to defend him to her and not say bad things about him to her because it was important to me that my friends like the person i was going out with (or, in that case, the *people* i was going out with) and that they be there to support me and stuff... but ... yeah more later. and then scott was all mad at me because i said he should come over and hang out and talk, but then i was trying to help morgan who was freaking out, and then they rented a movie. and i said that people who were freaking out took precedence, and *someone* (all right, i forget who) said something really fucked-up about how people who i was fucking took precedence. which is a fine thing for people who use my room to have sex to say. not that that has a *lot* to do with it. but it's semi-ironically amusing. and damien had been guilt-tripping me for not having spent time with rachel, because the time she came to visit, i was doing so much damage control (ok, and once i was having sex) (but mostly there was a lot of damage control!) and so damien was giving me shit about it.

and so last year, i was dating damien and ann. and they were both really really needy, and i couldn't spend time with both of them at once because they generally hated each other except for a few occasional sweet days thrown in just to fuck with me, and so every spare minute i had had to be spent with one of them, so i didn't ever ever ever get any time to myself, to decompress or refuel or whatever. EVER. and then i was trying to graduate, a semester early, and i couldn't get any support from the administration - like, besides having to finish all my credits and do my senior project in one semester, i was doing this major where i had to put together an interdisciplinary senior project independently, and there was no real framework for who had to be my advisors, and the people who i wanted to advise me, who would be best for my project, were temporary faculty members so they didn't know the bureaucracy or what exactly I was supposed to be doing, and my actual general advisor wasn't real helpful because meetings with him mainly consisted of him taking the place of my parents and trying to convince me that i was doing too much instead of helping me figure out how to do it or where i had to go next, and then there were all these intense courses with all their finals and midterms and crap, and then there was the emotional pressure of being in my final semester of a college that i loved, and at the edge of a major rite of passage in graduating, and not being able to leave any sort of legacy there because i was leaving in the middle of the year and i didn't have the time or energy to put into any groups/events, and i had just turned 21, and i didn't know what to do with that, because i'd never been able to imagine my life past that age and it was all really really depressing which made it much harder to do anything because i was really depressed and i didn't even have half enough energy to do everything that was required of me and i! didn't! have! time!!! to hang out with anyone, even though i desperately needed to be staying in touch with my friends and seeking emotional support from them. but neither of the people i was dating would let me. and of course i was totally emotionally invested in doing nothing but keeping them happy because i have *caretaker issues,* as scott likes to point out, and it's all about making sure the people around me are happy and run smoothly, especially when they're being emotionally manipulative guilt-tripping mastermind assholes about it. and i couldn't talk to anyone about any of this, because i was in the middle of it and i didn't have the language for it. so all my friends decided that i was ditching them in favor of the people i was dating, and they were all, screw you, we give up, bye. which made it
*so*
*much*
*worse.*

and it took me about a year to totally get over all of that. i didn't even feel like the same person. i felt like all the cute bouncy joy stuff got sucked out of me and left this really grim person who had to take everything seriously because everything was so seriously fucked-up. i couldn't play anymore. i couldn't joke around or be silly. it took me MONTHS to say anything silly or feel light-hearted again. literally, not till like March or something. maybe even much later. i was scared of most of my friends, of cola especially, because you know, she'd gotten mad at me for being a lousy roommate, and moved out, and i was afraid she hated me, and then i didn't barely get to see her, and so i felt weird around her for a really long time but i couldn't talk about it. i was really glad to feel like she still liked me and had no idea what had been going on in my head around her, but on the other hand, she still doesn't know what was going on for me that whole fall, that whole year really. it wasn't till about last week that i felt like i was over it. school at mills starts up again this week. there's some perspective.

so i was really upset that cola was making these unilateral statements about my life and what i was expressing to her about damien. because there were reasons for it, which were about not getting support from them, and also it pissed me off that i just got rejection for damien's shit and then flak for saying anything about damien's shit later... like, yes, arguing with them was silly, but there was so much else involved. i dunno. and then i felt sad and rejected all over again because it seems like i'm going through the same thing with rachel and to some extent scott as i was last year, and especially that scott is repeating the same pattern of "you're not paying attention to me you suck" sort of themes even now that he should know what kind of shit is going on in my life. and i don't know what i am supposed to do!!!!! how do i ask for more support? am i even allowed to?! and a tiny part of me: how DARE people make me feel like i can't ask for support. how DARE THEY.

also, i realized that i DO express my emotions, just not verbally. but the people around me apparently only pay attention to the verbals. i realized this last night when i got mad and slept upside down and gave them my feet next to their heads. like, i do things like that all the time to express my emotions. but they're very quiet and personal and unnoticeable, i GUESS. so nobody seems to factor them in when they go on about how my only emotions are happy and pissed-off.


September 1, 2000

Today's imood: Tired

burned out from too much anger.


September 5, 2000

Today's imood: Annoyed

I don't think it's that I am mad at Morgan for not wanting to spend $35 to have four extra days with me before he has to go to be with his mom and then come back with his mom and then go to college. I understand needing to save that money and going the easier route with the parents and stuff. And I guess I understand not wanting me to buy the $35 greyhound ticket that would let him leave later. But it's still upsetting because I feel like he just doesn't want to spend those days here. And mostly, like our time is running out so much faster and so abruptly.


September 8, 2000

Today's imood: Lovestruck

morgan is really sexy.

farmer's markets are very erotic.

morgan is a really good kisser.


September 11, 2000

Today's imood: Angry

i have been really angry all day. i do not know why. backed-up anger over other things? frustration? random clickings of moods? but it didn't change for hours no matter what i did or what else happened, which is not usually the case if it's random. the best description i came up with was an extremely multiple one - that maybe it was someone in me who held all the anger, with whom i was co-conscious. i did feel like i had no control over what i was saying. i am not saying this like "it's ok that i flamed scott! it wasn't me, i couldn't help myself" or anything like that. it's not like i wasn't there or like rational thought and physical control escaped me. but my thoughts and emotions, and especially my reactions to everything, ran amok and my email seemed reasonable and not TOO angry. not so angry that it wouldn't make sense. it has passed now; then i felt clear-headed and able to focus on what i was doing; then i submerged myself in reading webpages and dissociating from any feelings i might have about hurting scott. fuzzy brain. i don't like fuzzy brain. and i miss morgan a lot.

yesterday i was sad all day and i didn't know why. it took me all day to figure out that it was cause i missed morgan. how silly of me.

anyway. maybe it's a useful metaphor, maybe it's just one way in which singletons (at least this apparent singleton) can be seen to be much closer to multiplicity if we actually take the time to look at the similarities. maybe it's not that close after all. but one thing's for sure: i really crave vegan chocolate pudding right now.


September 12, 2000

Today's imood: Psycho

i fail to see why they do not have "possessed." Isn't "possessed" a feeling?

maybe this is part of my apparent confusion about what constitutes a feeling versus a state of being.

so i put a poll up about when people change connor's underwear in the mornings, and so on, and someone just emailed the list demanding to know this and that and lecturing about sanctioned decisions by parents. and it just made this intense wave of anger wash over my head and i felt possessed by it and this intense urge to reply with something like "shut up" or involving the word "bitch."

diane, also, has been emphasizing how close my behavior is today to what it was yesterday, although i don't feel angry. maybe curt with too much work, is all.


September 14, 2000

Today's imood: Lovestruck

BLISSFUL, damnit! BLISSFUL!


>September 16, 2000

Today's imood: Lonely

and it's stupid! why should i be lonely just because you're not here to cuddle? i have a fulfilling life besides my morgan :-[


September 21, 2000

Today's imood: Mellow

It is cloudly outside. that was a typo, and i like it. I'm in a reflective mood.

It's a typical day. I walked to work with Morgan, fabulously, because he's visiting from college. We find so many opportunities to kiss and hug and love each other on the walk/bart ride to work. It's so nice when I get to do that with him.

Nobody has given me anything to test yet, so I'm making little lists of what I need for the "how to test ask jeeves' pages" training site, and trying to organize a birthday party through evite.com (but mostly through repeated forceful emails to people who haven't rsvped - evite carries SO little authority with my friends) and just sort of wandering through the web.

I want to update on my whole life. (I wonder what Morgan's linguistics textbook would make of that sentence.)

I graduated from Mills a semester early, in December (1999). Just before the Apocalypse, except that it was more like... it WAS the Apocalypse. A semester of tremendous pressure and very little (academic or emotional) support, then FOOMP! i was shot out the other end and free-falling into the Adulthood of job searches and no savings. No wait, I had a job - it just didn't pay well because I didn't do enough work because I didn't realize quite to what extent I lack the discipline to work from home. Tra la.

I got a job at ask jeeves, a real live salaried job with benefits and not too much stress. It just about lets me pay off my debts and still have spending money, and if I weren't supporting so many other people here and there, it would do even better. I fully expect that when (WHEN) particular friends get jobs, I will be able to live comfortably off what they pay me back alone ;-)

But of course clicking on web pages in a whimsical yet corporate bureaucracy isn't my métier. (i can't help it, i had four years of french. my... life's goal career calling.) I am working right now on a book... ok, several, but the one I'm sending out is an anthology of erotica by or about people in the general area of female-to-male transgender life. There are all these books in the Best Lesbian Erotica and Best Gay Erotica series, and now there's even (separately, I believe) a Best Bisexual Erotica; I dream of having someone publish Best FTM Erotica. It's very political - the idea, not the book specifically - telling transgendered and transsexual people that it's ok to love their bodies, altered or not, saying "look! here are people like you! look at all the different ways they handle their bodies! this is all ok!" is upsettingly radical. It should not be radical, it should be OBVIOUS and NORMAL and maybe even mainstream. I mean heck, there are still doctors who tell people "you can't be transsexual, you like having sex! you don't hate your body enough! go home!"

Rant complete.

I am dating a wonderful wonderful boi, of the same genders as me - multigendered female-born freak. He's also a multiple, someone with many people in one body, almost all of whom are really, really neato. He's just (yesterday) started studying lingustics and computer science at UCSC, after living on his own for two years. His mom is really neat too, and lives in Humboldt County, and they're both all radical and Pagan and stuff. Morgan is rather overwhelmingly wonderful.

I was thinking about this gender thing as my burritos heated up :-) about how my gender is not essential to who I am. My feminism (feminism is so different from person to person) is essential to who I am; the experiences of growing up female and going to a women's college are essential to who I am, (and in fact going to a women's college helped me see all the different ways there were to be female and figure out that I wasn't exactly part of that continuum); but at the moment, my gender *identity* is being explored and lived in various different ways that don't change anything much about who I am, just make me happier with my life. Some portions of this: taking testosterone, playing with glitter and makeup, working as a boy, watching my gender identities cycle around, and being a flaming bisexual regardless.

I have a fabulous goddessson, who will turn 3 in November and is the most charming (he's a wonderful host) sweet (he's full of kisses and pats for everyone) well-boundaried (everyone who he feels like kissing, that is, and nobody else) genderqueer (he loves dresses, he loves glitter, and he insists he's neither a boy nor a girl) perceptive (we think he's not listening, he's only 2, he doesn't know what's going on, and then he'll say something that makes it clear he understood everything that was going on perfectly) funny (he loves to mess with our heads, pretend to misunderstand something so we have to explain it seven times and then start laughing and laughing at us) little kid I've had the pleasure to know.

ok. that's all for now.


September 27, 2000

Today's imood: Amazed

at TIRAMISU POCKY.

bear with me here.

eh, i'll just post my convo with morgan.

fabglitter: and at some point, when i finish making a beautiful quarterly report for my boss, i am going to walk to the neat grocery store and buy cookies and i-forget-what.
fabglitter: vegetable broth or something.
wineberri: aww.
fabglitter: and then i will have change for bart, not that i really need change.
fabglitter: and it will be exciting fabglitter: that grocery store is SO NEAT cause it's an asian grocery so like it's an aisle full of really EXCITING cookies and candy that i've *never had before*
wineberri: yay!!!
wineberri: i like um what do you call it pocky.
fabglitter: !!!yum!!!pocky!!!
wineberri: yeah.
fabglitter: and i love that there's like REALLY FANCY pocky, like there's the sticks you dip in chocolate [yes, i know those are Yan-Yan] and THEN there's like sticks that are ALREADY COATED in chocolate and have flavors like TIRAfuckingMISU
wineberri: wow!!! i didn't fucking KNOW that!!!!!
wineberri: i want!!!!!!!!!
fabglitter: and they're from fucking CHINA or wherever (simultaneous amusement at sounding like some damn person on tv and confusion at where are they from exactly anyway) and they have tiramisu flavor! and it's like, it's like, WOW, you know, we're taught everyfuckingday that america is the only culture and other places have cultures that are either totally foreign or totally america-influenced, and NOBODY ever says "and the italian influence on japan has resulted in tiramisu-flavored pocky and, and um, corner spaghetti bistros" or something!
fabglitter: and it BLOWS MY MIND
fabglitter: i am highly amused at my own reaction to tiramisu pocky :-)

Today's imood: Sarcastic


Sqwrlboi: youthful tendency disorder???
Sqwrlboi: i looove the onion
Sqwrlboi: they rock
fabglitter: yeah!!
Sqwrlboi: ehehehehh ths is sooo funny.
Sqwrlboi: man. that is so perfect. im soooo sick of parents wanting to diagnose their kid with some bullshit disorder so they can feel better about wotever quirks their kid has
fabglitter: xsmackly
Sqwrlboi: yerp
fabglitter: and of disorders in general. like the dsm in general. like how they make up this imaginary perfect normal person and if you're at all different they say "you have my fucking smelly ass disorder! we will describe how you are different, and then force you to be normal, and then anyone else who is like you will have my fucking smelly ass disorder too and we will force them into the same box!"
Sqwrlboi: resistance is futile.
fabglitter: "and then maybe we can have some fucked up book we write about you that makes us famous and you look like freaks, and then everyone will fuck you over and we will be rich!"
fabglitter: "and then maybe we can have a telethon for you!!!"
Sqwrlboi: u will b assimilated.
fabglitter: "and everyone will say you have gender identity disorder? you fucked up soul! are you wearing women's underwear RIGHT NOW? you have multiple personality disorder? you're like sybill in that movie! eeew! scary!"
fabglitter: k i'm done :)
Sqwrlboi: bwahahahhaa. we r borg.
fabglitter: true story.
Sqwrlboi: i m bored. bored bored bored. and hungry. blerg.
Sqwrlboi: i think i wil walk around outside. i am feelin claustrophobic
fabglitter: you have claustro... um... ::thinks:: you have spatial paranoid disorder!
Sqwrlboi: HAHAHAHAHHAA
Sqwrlboi: daz me. paranoid to da core.


September 29, 2000

Today's imood: Daunted

depressed, hostile, and angry. at my company, or my coworkers. it's the same thing, from inside. which then, faaascinatingly, opens up all the few deep burning hostilities and angers i had in totally unrelated areas, and it hurrrts.


October 6, 2000

Today's imood: Sad

people want me to do things with nike and they are stupid things. but they are easy. but i am sad that they are stupid and talk to me like i am dumb and.or not doing any work. but then they don't bother to tell me when it's *working* so that i CAN test it. and i'm worried about my nice grandmother. and i just want to tell my story about what i did last night but when i tell stories people interrupt me and i don't know if it's because i tell them too long and windy but there's so much i want to tell people.

Overwhelmed

i am in phone hell. they are overcharging me an unexplained $100 or so, and saying i owe $263 for two months' service, and aeryn is supposed to cash a check and come here to give me money so i can pay the phone bill, and i don't even know how much to pay, and i have to call them and argue with them but i can only do that from work, and it's just like this extensive extensive hell and i should just cancel all phone service and get cell phones instead because this is fucked up and stupid.

Calm-er.

i like imood. sometimes the links people suggest for emotions actually relate and help. i liked http://www.geocities.com/silver_ana_goddess/ for "overwhelmed." often they're just sugareyecandy links.


October 9, 2000

Today's imood: Happy

wow!! brion just brought me a bag of chocolate chips!

he said i don't visit enough (he sits by the snacks) so he thought he'd bring me some.

yay :-)


October 11, 2000

Today's imood: Proud

my brain has not stopped working and gone numb all day at work! i can do it!


October 12, 2000

Today's imood: Shocked

do you know what morgan said?!

i was supposed to call aeryn as usual at 11:15 to make sure she woke up in time to go to her therapy appointment. and at like 1pm i looked at the clock and i was like OH SHIT. (and aeryn said it was ok because she had already called her therapist and she didn't think she should be making it my responsibility to get her to therapy. whatever.)

and morgan said that it was ok because everyone forgets things. and i was like yeah especially me, and morgan was all, "not especially you. everyone, including you." and i was like, aww, that's so sweet, nobody's ever said that to me before. and morgan said that i wasn't this late forgetful stereotype and that i was responsible a good amount!!!! and and that like i'm not even late THAT often and that i've never flaked out on stuff in our relationship!

and and and that "you just can take a while getting places or getting ready because you're so into so much stuff. that's how i see it. i like it. i would rather be with someone who was so enthusiastic."

and i'm just like... aaa! nobody's ever said anything like that to me!!!!

Safe

"respected" more than safe, but whichever.

kerri just stated that i don't snore :-o


October 16, 2000

Today's imood: Calm

this is really nice. i decided i had to really buckle down to work because i wanted to maybe leave early today and definitely tomorrow. way early tomorrow. like 3:30 or something. and diane observed that she didn't care when ppl worked as long as the work got done. and so i threw myself into the work and decided to get at least two of our three big things done today. and it's really neat: i've been totally focused and efficient and into the work. yay!

October 18

Happy

they fixed the "current mood of the Internet" page at imood! it is:

The current mood of the
Internet at www.imood.com

Scared

but this is not the scariest thing that will happen ever. this is just practice. this is training. it will be okay. i will must learn from all this. i am lucky in fact.

October 18/19

thoughtful

something i was thinking about on the muni or the bart tonight: i was thinking about how lately, *possibly* as part of the process of learning to set boundaries and probably largely also as part of learning to feel and express my emotions and find balance, a lot of people have been getting my emotions unsheathed and hot from the oven. i was thinking this because i realized that someone i know does it, actually. like just reacts and doesn't see why she has to think about how people might feel. mostly i think i've often does it because i can't imagine how people might feel - like, sometimes i'm so out of touch with emotion and the situations around me that i can't see anything or think about what i'm expressing in advance. out of control.

exhausted

a comment on morgan's journal entry:
"there is no room in amy's heart anymore. it is too ground into the dirt, too battered, and it simply doesn't care anymore."

THIS is how i feel a LOT of the time. like there are portions of my heart that can feel and that feel tremendously, and portions that have been scarred and scarred over and have to have time to heal. my heart revolves fortunately, so there's always going to be an exposed surface coming up eventually....


November 14, 2000
thankful

deeply, deeply thankful to my parents for putting me in spanish immersion when i was five.


November 16, 2000
weird

bored and cold and nonresponsive

daunted

when something's really angering, and other times too, the top of my head will tingle with the angry energy. well, whatever causes that is feeling *great pain* at http://www.cutitout.net. it feels WEIRD.


November 17, 2000
Betrayed

i feel sad because morgan can't take care of me. he said he would and he can't. that means no one will ever take care of me. that's what i give people to understand i want, but really i've always always wanted there to be someone that i could totally trust and let take care of me.

Relieved

to look at my online journal of imoods and discover my life is far less dramatic/turbulent than it was.


November 20, 2000
Lovestruck

a moment to think about all the ways it is wonderful to be dating morgan.

for the first time, i have someone that i not only feel safe sharing things (like emotions) with - i actually *want* to.

and he understands why everything is cool! i can show him some really neat linguistic thing from star trek or something mathnerdy or a cool toy online or something glittery and he totally knows how rad it is and shares that with me!

we just come from such wide and wonderful shared space!

and it's very healing to be with him cause all of the knotty bits that i've hid from people who weren't safe (knotting them more) or just had snarled up from past experiences (outside of relationships as well as in) - he helps me unsnarl them! and pets them! and i try to hope to do the same for him!

and he loves british things too! and i can find out how wonderful welsh stuff is! and it will be so much fun to torment him as i learn italian!

and he is so YUMMY!

and we have good sex! :-D

and he has the most BEAUtiful words!

and we share such important worldviews, like how we both love looking at lighted houses at night because people are so wonderful and amazing and diverse and interesting! and people on bart! and we have similar priorities and radical goals and we're both so brimming with enthusiasm at each other!

and there's so much of him to explore! individually i mean! and bliss! and he's so communicative and clear and loving and smart! bliss!