It was a dry Wednesday, a Wednesday that reminded Connie why
corporate fools called it "Humpday" with jolly desperation. Her hands were
busy all day at the basement headquarters for the organic communal
worker-owned Guatemalan lesbian hemp-growing collective, but her thoughts
dwelt elsewhere, in steamy illicit fantasies which made the job nearly
She had only been home half an hour and she had already fielded
three phone calls from the softball team roster to reschedule games and
run the rumor mill - did you hear about Anna? Seen with a man! I heard
they were kissing! Her hand on his *ass*! in the middle of the co-op! -
And now the doorbell was ringing. Connie tried turning the kitchen fan on
and pretending not to hear it, but it rang again with a cheery insistency
that pulled her conscience to stern attention.
It was a woman, at least, and what a woman. Her shiny high heels
made her slightly taller than Connie, but even without the heels, the
filmy cocktail apron over her black dress would have made Connie feel
about a foot shorter. High femmes, she felt, earned their name by floating
above the crowd. This one fired a perky beam at Connie, triggering primal
memories of fifties sitcom wives. She defended herself against the image
with lesbian weaponry: her libido.
"You can't be here to borrow a cup of sugar, because you look sweet
enough already," she grinned at the strange woman. Her visitor beamed on
and held out a hand. "You must be Connie. They told me you were a
"Who - told you what? I'm sorry, you were...."
The woman's smile grew broader. "I'm Laura, from BCP. We're just
out today doing a survey of -" her gaze traveled along Connie's
attractively round body - "*select* members of the lesbian community. Do
you mind answering a few questions?"
"Well, no, not at all, anything for the community..." Connie
replied, slightly mesmerized.
"Great!" Laura said brightly. "First: how would you describe your
"Lesbian," Connie replied proudly, glad to do her part with some
Laura wrinkled her forehead slighty. "Well, we're actually looking
for something more *descriptive.*" At Connie's confused expression, she
continued, "You know - who you're attracted to, and why: what it is that
really makes your wheels spin."
Connie frowned. "Well, uh - women.. because I like women. Femmes,
mostly, I guess. It's something in the balance of power and... fabulous
Laura wrote this down rapidly, nodding. "So you'r eattracted to strong
femmes? Have you ever been involved with a boy, or had a crush on one?
Maybe before you came out?"
Connie blushed defensively. "I don't see where that's anyone's
business -" she began, but Laura was ready for her. "We're not the
Lesbian Police, you know? We just want a survey of the queer community
that finally represents every aspect of everyone's sexuality!"
waited happily for Connie to respond, and Connor felt herself give in to
Laura's expectations. "Well, before I came out, you know, I was with a
bunch of guys. Almost got married to one of them, but he broke if off,
and I'd met this one gorgeous dyke..." She sighed.
Laura scribbled encouragingly and briskly on her clipboard, and
Connie grudgingly continued. "My last girl actually left me because she
thought I was having an affair with this queer boy who worked at the
bookstore. The worst part was that I couldn't even deny that I was
attracted to him. It was just.... He looked like a babydyke, with these
little wire-rimmed glasses and tulip-pink hair. It was only natural."
"Did anything ever happen with that?"
"No... well... no," Connie said regretfully. "It was just a
lose-lose situation. Anyway, he was totally a Kinsey Six."
"That was my next question, actually!" Laura said approvingly.
"Where would you place yourself on the Kinsey Scale?"
"Oh, god, I don't even know how that thing works anymore," Connie
laughed in alarm.
"Well, there's a simple test you can do to figure out your
number," the pollster said helpfully. "It goes from zero to six, where
zero is the opposite sex, six is the same sex, and everything else is
somewhere in between."
"Well, I knew that much!"
"Great! Okay, so the first question is who you've been sexual
with so far. You'd be a six, am I right? Or, what about those
near-husbands of yours?"
"Not a six," Connie admitted. "I used to be very promiscuous. I
think I was trying to prove something before I came out. More like... I
guess whatever's smack in the middle. A four?"
"Let's say a three," Laura smiled. "So, then you figure out who
you mostly fantasize about."
Connie blushed again. "Mostly women. Look, can we continue this
"Of course! Wherever you're most comfortable," the gorgeous femme
Once they were safely seated in the quiet of Connie's living
room, Laura made another note on her clipboard. "Mostly women - let's
call that a 4.5. About three-quarters?"
"Sure," Connie said nervously, playing with some tchotchkes on
the coffee table.
Laura laughed. "Look at you! You're practically clawing the arm
off the sofa! Come on now, relax. If you can't trust your own sexuality,
what can you trust?"
Connie relaxed a smidgen. "I guess you're right. Yeah. I'm sure
you're right," she said, trying not to look uneasy.
"Terrific. Okay, the last two Kinsey questions: How do you
currently identify? You're a lesbian, but you sounded like maybe not a
"Oh. A five, then, I guess."
"Super!" Laura wrote that down too. Connie swore to herself that
if there was any more perkiness this girl would get a coaster to the
"And last, if you walked into a big party somewhere - say a big
downtown block party or something - who would you be attracted to? You
know, mostly women, mostly men, only women, some of each...."
Connie tried to visualize the last Pride parade. She kept seeing
all the hot dykes in the Avengers, but then she thought about the gay
men's chorus that was singing nearby, with the bookstore kid - Brian -
in the tenor section. Laura nodded understandingly. "I'll just put that
down as a three... and...." She busily added Connie's scores up and
averaged them out. "Congratulations! You're bisexual!"
"What?!" Connie grabbed the clipboard. "Let me see that! You must
have done it wrong."
"Honey, I'm a pro. I know a bi chick when I see one, and you're
"But I'm a lesbian! Bisexuals are...."
"What? Just going through a phase? Just don't know what they
want? Just trying to be chic?" Laura offered helpfully.
"You sound like my parents!" Connie complained.
Laura grinned. "No, honey, you sound like your parents. I'm just
finding you the words."
"Well... but...." Connie spluttered. "Look, it's a matter of
self-identification. Lesbianism is more than just who you sleep with,
it's a whole political sisterhood!"
Laura looked amused. "Maybe all your friends share politics, but
there's no Lesbian Party in the electoral process yet. And bisexuals
have some pretty radical politics too, you know. What makes you so
afraid to self-identify as bi?"
"I'm not afraid!" Connie snapped. "I just like it where I am. I
like dyke culture and dyke politics and *dykes.* I don't even know what
bi culture is!"
"Actually," Laura said, flipping a page on her clip board over
and setting it on the table, "that was the very next thing I wanted to
talk to you about! We're offerings ome really fabulous packages right
now, for only pennies a day." She pulled a brightly colored brochure out
and spread it across the coffee table.
"Packages?" Connie said incredulously. "You said you were doing a
survey! And now you're telling me what my sexuality is and trying to
sell me something! Where did you say you were from again?"
Laura turned the brochure over to show a shining logo. "BCP - the
Bisexual Conversion Program. Of course, we don't really have to convert
anybody. We just go out, talk to them, and let them realize their own
potential." She rode on determinedly. "These packages, they're
fundraisers to raise awareness. You get stuff like erotica, magazine
subscriptions, these great stickers from unamerican.com that say 'You're
Bisexual'--" She broke off when she saw Connie scowling. "Oh, Connie,
don't go back on me now! Remember all those hot young days of
womyn-loving-womyn rhetoric and revolution when you first came out?
Remember how amazing it felt to be told you could love women and
overthrow the patriarchy with one stroke?"
She's sure got my number, Connie reflected. Maybe this woman did
know what she was talking about. "Yeah," she answered warily.
"well, this is still the same revolution, Connie! Except we let
you fuck that queer boy, and the femme dykes, and the femme bi grrls,
and anyone else you want! You see - it's like true gender equality in
practice, from your bed to your belief system!" She smiled cynically.
"And all for just $19.95, if you pay now! Your membership card will be
mailed to you in five to eight working days and you can start learning
about a whole new world!"
"You're kidding." Connie started to laugh. "You guys have really
found a way to make a profit off the queer thing? Well, hell, count me
in. I can always go back, right?"
"Of course," Laura agreed. "Sexuality is fluid. We understand
that like no one else. Now let me show you these programs we're
offering...." She spread the brochure out again. "You can sign up for
'Acknowledging the Possibilities,' 'All In One Package,' 'Refusing All
Labels,' 'Gender Freedom,' or 'I'm Every Gender.'"
"What's the All In One Package?"
"That's for the person who identifies as bisexual because they've
only dated women, but all their lovers identified as boys or became FTM
later - you know, technically they've only been with women, but they've
also only been with boys, but...."
"I see. All in one package."
"Exactly. And they're all like that, tailored to fit the
customer's reasons for identifying as bi. Like the 'refusing all labels'
would be for someone who says things like 'I don't want to pin myself
down to a label, I'm just *sexual.*' Or 'I'm every gender' might be for
the lovers of the 'all in one package' bisexual - people who say things
like 'I'm a gay man when I'm a boy, but I want to be with women as a
women, except when I'm checking men out....'"
Connie studied the pictures, which featured buttons and
explanatory literature. 'So which one should I get?"
Laura whipped out a box from nowhere. "I'd recommend either
'Gender Freedom' or 'Refusing All Labels." Gender Freedom comes witha
ton of political information connecting bisexuality with feminism, human
rights, labor rights, civil rights, et cetera, including bumper stickers
and pins for your friends. Also, you get guaranteed politically correct
erotic videos made by women with you in mind."
She winked, and Connie felt herself reach for her wallet. "This
is such a great idea. I wish we had thought of it. I mean, the lesbians.
Maybe we could form a coalition or something." Her mind was spinning
wtih what she was already learning. "Wow. Who do I make the check out
"Just put BCP. And hey, for an extra ten bucks you can get a
magazine subscription in there too. Year's supply of Anything That
Moves. It's a very special deal," Laura smiled.
Connie paused over the check and channeled her new... *bisexual*
charm. "How about I throw in the extra ten bucks and you throw in a
"It's a deal," Laura said firmly, and leand into her lips.
Connie signed the check with a flourish.