I went to Body Manipulations first, to get my eyebrow ball replaced, since it was on the way… which turned out to be a great idea 'cause it let me focus on a different sort of body modification than the one I was attempting. It seems strange and fabulous to be passing all these parts of the Mission on the way to this big meeting: the piercing place, the ''Harder!" graffiti a friend of mind sprayed all over, the school where the Femme Gender and Queer Youth conferences were held… right by Dolores Park where the Dyke March and the Beltane circles take place, and near MaryMax's old house. I've spent a LOT of my life here.

It bugs me that the forms and appointments and stuff are under my birth name. And that people (LYRIC's poster here) are willing to say "gay and lesbian" but think "bi and trans" and anything else make it too long. (Not that LYRIC is anything but fabulous about bi and trans folks in practice.) But, like, talk about being un-affirming of diversity: not that lesbians don't need visibility and representation, of course, but more that people choose the two categories which are most similar to each other to use as the face of queerdom.

I've seen people use "gay and trans," which always intrigues me - seems really biphobic, but an interesting choice psychologically. Or maybe I'm just mentally wanking off here while I wait to be called.

At least with "gay and bi," you can think maybe they're just focusing on sexuality. But they'd still better be transfriendly for the "transqueers" in that case, just like they'd better be racially inclusive for the queers of color and so on. Oh, the madness of it all. I think I'll just go edit that poster.

I swear, I spend *more* of my life saying "and bi and trans."

Jesus, I still don't know how to explain my gender to her. Maybe if I take it step by step…. First, I'm transgendered and I want to talk to someone about taking steps to transition. Then, I'm not FTM, I'm F-to-Both. Then, what exactly I want to do; and then my history in terms of going to clinics and starting listservs and drag/passing stuff. Oy.
this is a garden:colours come and go,

        this is the garden: colours come and go,
        frail azures fluttering from night's outer wing
        strong silent greens serenely lingering,
        absolute lights like baths of golden snow.
        This is the garden: pursed lips do blow
        upon cool flutes within wide glooms, and sing
        (of harps celestial to the quivering string)
        invisible faces hauntingly and slow.

        This is the garden.   Time shall surely reap
        and on Death's blade lie many a flower curled,
        in other lands where other songs be sung;
        yet stand They here enraptured, as among
        The slow deep trees perpetual of sleep
        some silver-fingered fountain steals the world.
e. e.

Notes from talking to the doctor...