Adv. Cr. Wri. of Fic.
Dictionary Exploration Thingie
Transvestite one who dresses in garments which (in their
society & time) are generally assigned to those of another gender than
I was at this murder-mystery party when I first flashed on any
difference in my gender. Kerry and some other girls were painting on
goatees, binding their breasts flat, putting on wife-beaters and
button-down shirts. I was looking for my slinky leopard print dress and
heels, but I really wished I could be one of the boys. I thought I was a
crossdresser at first, a drag king, but after sampling a lot of different
identities and going through a lot of turmoil, I came to the
conclusion that my gender identity changed frequently, like living with a
kaleidoscope inside me. This is my own personal origin myth.
Turmoil A crashing state of confusion; a
mind-gnashing state of events in which identity is spun
Gender is the core of our identities, supposed to be the center
identity. If your identity isnt built on what gender you are, you
cant see who you are, and when you work out who you are, nobody else
can understand it. Its like gender's a balloon filled with
confetti, and I
just burst it, sending sharp-edged colors flying out, blinding everyone in
a flurrious storm.
Topsy-turvy A childs nonsense word.
Higgledy-piggledy. To be upside down or head over heels such that
everything familiar has suddenly changed.
Topsy-turviness is a state of joy. I visualize
bright orange and purple bubbles painted on a green wall, contrasting and
clashing in a new cheerful way like something out of Wonderland. Aidan in
Wonderland? Everyone else is mad here, and I just cant wait for the
T The nickname for testosterone, which functions in
therapeutic doses to change female bodies lowering the voice to a
tenor or a baritone, growing more
hair, lengthening the clitoris.
I think of testosterone as some kind of fertilizer. And
when Im afraid of what
Im doing with my life, I fear being stuck in some place that I
dont really want to be, frozen into the ground and trapped in one
solid form. But then I realize that trees dont limit themselves by
being rooted in the earth: they become part of something bigger and more
whole. And I realize that the way to look at it is that Im like an
acorn, and what Im doing with transitioning and
"T" is rooting myself in myself (like the acorns and the
earth) to grow into myself, into who I really am. It makes a good mantra.
And testosterone is just the fertilizer that helps me do it, but I
could do it without the fertilizer just more slowly and on perhaps
a smaller scale.
Tenor A tone of voice, often described as"light" and/or
"pleasant;" covers the higher end of the male vocal range and the lower
end of the female vocal range, providing a "pleasant" space for androgynes
whose ambiguity may bring them "light" queer-bashings.
We saw Leslie Feinberg speak this weekend. Sie was doing a signing
bar, and a rally for Mumia, and it was so cool. Apparently my
tranny-brother and his frosh friend went to see zir sign, and they
couldn't get in cause they're only like 19 years old, and my bro's
girlfriend went in and told zir. And sie was all "What? I didn't know they
weren't letting underage folks in!" and went out to see them zirself!!
I only talked to zir for a sec cause I'm too shy
you join my book" and "you should see my listserv" and stuff... but it
was really inspiring just seeing zir there. It was like sometimes I see
"bio-boyz" and I go "oo, I wanna look like him." And sometimes I
see trannyboyz and go "ooh, I wanna look and sound like him." Well, when I
heard zir speak, I was all "THAT! THAT'S what I want! yay!! I wanna be
just like Leslie Feinberg!" Zir voice sounded in-between, more male than
female but more "other" than both. It had overtones that seemed
to blur my expectations of what one persons voice could sound like.
It reminded me of prairies for some reason. Wide, dry, with waves of amber
grain and the whole bit.
Transition the act of changing from one gender to
another. Some people transition from male to female and go on mid-day talk
shows to be harassed and jeered at in public. Some people stay in
transition forever, exploring gender from the inside out.
Its a big question, whether to transition, especially if
dont feel like one gender or the other. Especially if, once you make
a decision, doctors tell you that they only help "real
transsexuals" and that youre just confused. It tok me years
to figure out what I wanted to do to my body, if anything, because I
had so few non-FTM role models. For a long time, I was thinking about
it would be to take anti-estrogens and a little testosterone to
lower my voice and get more of a goatee. And how I dream about getting to
just go somewhere by myself for a while and transition alone, or with
other trannies or people who understand, because of the awkwardness of
transitioning, and the scariness of shifting around in gender until I find
where I want to stand again. And I was thinking how there'd still be days
when I identified as female, and I wouldn't want to make any effort to
change myself and jam myself into the boy stereotypes that don't fit me
just so that I can pass (cause I tend to do that now). I'd want
transitioning to *free* me from all that, or else it's really not worth
doing - I'd just be trading one cage for another.
And I had this image of myself just flaming away, saying girl
and bi-chick things and feminist things and femme things, and I realized
what I'd be doing. I know a lot of transgendered butch women who talk
about wanting to redefine and expand the meaning of female to include them
and be safe for them - and I want to expand the definition of BOY till it
includes me and is safe for me.
want to see the comment my creative writing teacher put at the bottom of
Aidan - I admit the only transexual
writing i've read is Kate Bornstein and
Sandy Stone - both of whome I found
not very stimulating - I'm finding
the complexity of what you're doing
here much more interesting.
isn't that RAD?!