When I came back to Mills
after winter break, the very weekend after I met Jen, I was excited to
find a message from her already on my voicemail. We spent the next week
talking on the phone for four hours at a time, then progressed to web chat... I wasn't sure about
this strange person who called me every single day and talked forever, but
she seemed really nice... and she was HELLA cute... and hell, why not?...
We had arranged to meet the next weekend, about two and a half weeks after
we first met, because she found a ride down with the amazing,
supportive, rocking Janice! who has driven her down about a million times
since! But we were sitting online on Friday night, and she was musing
about how much she wished she could see me sooner... and before either of
us knew what was happening, she was finding a Greyhound that went up here,
and I was running around trying to get to the Greyhound station, and she
This is me at a cute age.... And this is Jen at a cute age!
At first, it was very awkward, trying to show her around, and find something exciting to do on campus... no easy task! We ended up in the computer lab, because she said she wanted to see what I did all night. It makes me sad to think that's the last time we ever had a chance for me to share my personal life with her.... We geeked away, and the whole time we were cautiously beginning to communicate in body language. She began tickling me, and I squealed and pushed her hands away, and she tickled me some more, and I ran away, and she kept tickling me, and finally I had to sit on her lap and hold her hands down to get her under control!
Of course, I knew exactly what I was doing. ;-)
We ended up in my room... getting ready for bed... Jen grabbing my ass in the closet doorway, unaware that I'd never kissed anyone before EVER.. It was all so wonderful with you, Jen. We moved so fast!! Chada for Valentine's day dinner... and Gertrude the rosebush... the Cliffhouse, and that gallery of ancient arcade games... We wrote each other endless reams of love letters and sent each other little things like heart erasers and poems. You told me that you wanted me to know that, since you were my first girlfriend ever, if I ever wondered what else was out there I was free to experiment and find out. You didn't want me to feel trapped in the relationship. I told you that you could sleep with other people too, and you did, just once, and disaster struck with you suddenly no longer moving down to Oakland, unsure whether you loved me or not; but sleeping with other people was never the problem. Maybe our love itself was the problem. I loved you too much to ever want to lose you, so I was afraid to make you mad or sad; I wanted to spend so much time with you, go to dinner and explore Bidwell Park and play Magic and strip poker and eat sensuous candlelight meals with our fingers and have whipped cream fights, but there wasn't time for any of it, and the stress of work and school and life made it even worse when I pressed for more of your time. I needed to get a life of my own so that the times when you wwere too busy for me didn't become my whole life.
Nicole says that we sound like we want different things from the relationship or what's left of it. "damn lesbians, talking to their exes like they're people or something!... don't y'all understand that your exes must be wiped from yer memory until such time as you are doing better than them. at which time you call them to gloat. it is the way of the world. you like invite them all to yer wedding." I guess she's right. (about the relationship, not about the way of the world!) You want to cuddle still, and touch, and kiss? I don't know. I just want respect, and to know where we are, what the hell we're doing, what you're thinking. THEN I want cuddling and touching - but not till we're stable. Not till we're just two people who love each other, expressing our closeness, instead of two people who love each other getting tossed back and forth and up and down on a seesaw. Let me know when that happens, love.
...Are you my passion, my promise, my end?
And I say I am...
Yes, I am...
Yes, I am,
Yes I am!
I am your passion, your promise, your end... yes I am.... http://www.mills.edu/PEOPLE/ug.pages/danica.public.html/iloveyou.html