I'm telling Shahn and Ian about getting a prescription for testosterone and I just got SO FUCKING HAPPY. it's this feeling like I have to run around the room squealing

or like I just had the MOST chocolate EVER.

I didn't even expect this feeling. I don't think I've ever been this happy.

It felt a little like when I do this thing where I boil my whole religion down to love, and just try to feel as much of my unconditional love for everyone around me and for the world and the trees and the Goddess as possible. And I can't stop myself from smiling and my heart chakra feels all charged up and I just feel total love and joy. That's what it felt like, kinda, when it calmed down enough for me to think about it. Makes me think that that's something I could really work with in this transition, since one of my new year's resolutions was to try and feel "perfect love (if not perfect trust)" for *everyone unconditionally.* (I may not like them, or what they do, or agree with them at all times, or trust them not to hurt me, but I love them and I hope for the best for them and I will help them if I can.)

An interesting thing: I felt *totally* female-identified today, in a way I haven't felt since high school. It's a really good feeling, like there's continuity in my gendered life. There's pride and strength and familiarity in it, and everything works together. It's actually a place where I've worked on a lot of trans-related issues; it's like, hey, I'm female today - and I've already established why I can be proud to be that gender, found the self-esteem and body image issues it involves, defeated them, built a whole political and cultural platform around it - lots of things that I now realize I have to do as the sorts of boy and genderqueer I am. There's a question for Sphere - is this something we all go through with each of our genders? If so, is it a different process if you start out from a different gender culture and identity? and to explore myself: How (much) is the radfemles way I grew up affecting the way I approach my gender issues? Probably a LOT!