This is excerpts from jinkies' online journal about the exploration of their inner world.


We're in with the in crowd baby [30 Oct 2001|10:43am]
[ music | Bowie's Space Oddity sung ]

Well after some light encouragement from the DarkTeens list we tried to do more work trying to look inside to see if we have an inner landscape or talk directly to people in the system or whatever. I don't know if there's a landscape in there or if we can talk to each other that way but we can certainly day dream some pretty vivid freaky stuff. Lots of people who looked like us at various ages, a kid in bermuda shorts talking in a weird voice. I can't remember what anyone said but we did talk. The more sceptical element here say it was simply a lucid dream and all the elements we saw were things we've read or seen recently. I want to try again.
You know it really sucks lots that we only gave the URL to this to like two multiple systems and no one else. Yeah it keeps out the denial crowd and doesn't freak kim and it's nice to talk about stuff without worrying someone else in the system is going to cover it over but I don't like the idea we're hiding this from people, but yeah some denial fiend won't let us say it at all otherwise (yay for names) or force us to be incoherent or just hint. Although I do love that someone's done the dissociative scale thing as a purity test LJ survey! What's the betting that one doesn't take off like the sex survey did? ~_^
Oh right apparently Nath put the URL to this at the bottom of his first darkteens post... OK so I have no idea who else we've told about this then ^.^
Anyone want to offer any more people who got told?
-Adam
(forgot to sign off... it's like Nat all over again)

Visualisation [30 Oct 2001|03:31pm]
[ music | Pugwall theme in my head (ye gods spare us!) ]

OK so I laid on the bed and closed my eyes and focused on relaxing every bit of my body, bit by bit by bit. Then I tried to clear my mind and focus somewhere else until I couldn't hear the constant (internal) music anymore and the bright orange-red vision of light coming through my eye-lids faded to black. I think this is the thing you earth-men call meditation.
Then I tried to find myself by focusing on my hands and each of my fingers and 'looking' at them, moving them and bending them all while the body stayed perfectly still. Neat. Next I tried looking at my arms and legs and visualising the clothes the body was wearing on me... not too difficult. Seemed to be spontainiously experiencing not seeing things behind me and feeling for them with my hands (and sort of getting sensation too) and also seeing them from some point above my imagined body. Weird... but kind of cool. For some reason I could only imagine myself with short dark wavey 'up' hair ::shrugs::
Next obvious step was to look around myself to find where I was standing (yep I was standing not laying down as the body was), I looked up and saw a massive high curved roof (straight rectangular walls topped with a curved roof) far far above, this buliding was on the scale of a cathedral but made from massive smooth light coloured marble blocks. It was just... massive. I thought it must be a cathedral but it wasn't, the walls were perfactly smooth, there weren't stained glass windows or statues or symbols. I looked back down to my level, I was standing in the centre of a circular clearing below the roof, wide clear aisles stretched out in four directions away from me, the rest of the floor space was filled with carved wooden pews. I was sure the pews were facing the wrong way (away from the central clearing) but no matter how hard I tried I could not reimagine them facing towards me. I thought there might be someone sitting on a pew praying (because it did seem to be some kind of church) but I looked and there wasn't. It seemed to be a long way to walk to any kind of exit and try as I might I couldn't imagine myself somewhere else instead. From above someone commented that the oven was on and we should put food in it. I called out but they didn't reply. I took one last look around and then went back to the body, opened my eyes, sat up and went to put lunch in the oven.
So that was kind of weird, it seemed a little more like uncovering a scene than lucid dreaming. I didn't feel like I could change things once I'd seen them, just choose where to look (or feel) next. I don't remember any smells or sounds, perhaps I have to conciously sniff or listen before I experience them? Kind of weird really. No idea what it means.
-some random male Mat/Nat person

Daydream believer [03 Nov 2001|01:40pm]
[ music | Sarah Brightman - En Aranjuez Con Tu Amor ]

Ooh trippy! Mat was doing another attempt at seeing inside did the visualising himself thing then looking where he was and seeing a pine floor like in the computer room at my parent's house, feeling the walls and looking around and seeing it was. It was weird because everything he considered he sort of 'felt' at the same time as seeing. Like touch was his primary sense. So he goes into the hall and opens the front door but when in the porch either the door is locked or he knows there's nothing out there or he shouldn't go out there so he comes back in and goes in the living room and sits on the sofa, he thinks about then gets up and opens the door to the dining room and walks in there feeling the smooth surface of the polished table and so on then he glances at the patio door and thinks about the river and what he should be seeing out there but then there was someone swimming in the river and diving and going under water and it was far more vivid really really real and then they look up and see the big tree and he's out of the water and climing it and it's Robert (in day-glo shorts and everything) and he's really excited and climbing really high and it's still really vivid and he wonders if he can get right to the top (which would be impossible) but he can (think of the tree top scene in Crouching Tiger) and then he pushes himself off the top of the tree and into the sky and he's flying! He pulls himself along like he's pulling himself across a sheet of fabric and when he changes direction he bends his knees and pushes off some solid object (not that there should be one there but that's what it was like) and he shoots up over the garden and looks down as he goes then he lands on the roof and sits on the chimney stack and feels the brick work! He's really excited and then he pushes himself off the chimney and flys really fast towards the primary school via the church and the park, when he gets to the park he uses the slide and the climbing rope and pushes himself off the monkey bars and goes to the school where he's never been inside before. He changes his clothes to the school uniform by thinking about it and goes inside and it's nuts full of ladders and firemen's poles and a chess set. Next he went to the Dins newagent and took a Cadburys Creme Egg and unwrapped it and ate it! Then he shot off down the street and did this split second tour of Stephen's house (I couldn't have told you what that house looked like inside but he remembered) and again later with Anthea's house, then he got to the secondary school and thinking about going in and things and could he make himself older or something and then I was standing with a mixing bowl and a spoon covered in mixture and wondered what the hell was happening, then I licked the spoon and couldn't work out what it was and then I opened my eyes and now I'm fronting. Weird huh?
I'm kind of pissed off that Robert can fly and go superfast and have really vivid experiences whereas I'm fumbling in the dark and it's all just a lucid dream like mess. If I could experience anything I'd want to be a Tomorrow Person, teleportation and telepathy! If we're making the inner world as we go along I vote for a wrecked spaceship as our secret base no one knows about... or maybe a TARDIS. What think you lot?
-Adam.
(I'm breaking out baby!)

Internal communication has no log files [11 Nov 2001|02:03pm]
[ music | MTV Europe Music Awards (again) ]

Since we started doing conversations in DJ/LJ coments we've got really good at talking to each other internally by imagining it as journal comments (yes I know that's totally pathetic!) but it's really fustrating because I'll be thinking about a comment I want to write and someone pops up and gives a funny response and someone else replies to them and I'm like "Shut up and save it for the keyboard!" and then they all laugh at me and say I'm just a show off and it's totally insane to try to stop internal communication and I'm a child of the MTV generation to think something isn't real unless it's saved on computer or something. Bah -_-
But anyway it was really funny because Maffyoo was thinking about the fetish thread and being all "If you can't enjoy your sexuality then what can you enjoy?" and I was like "Knitting!" and then everyone else around came out with these goofy replies and I was trying to get them to reenact it but they're all "you don't have to write down everything funny any of us say". It's not that I'm a show off... OK I am such a show off ^.^ ...but I just want to have logs of everything. That's why I prefer AIM and IRC to ICQ. The first two save everything.
-Adam.
(Is it real or is it Memorex?)

Breaking the conversation barrier [13 Nov 2001|05:48am]
[ music | Coughing and typing ]

It's cool how it's just happened. We've gone from being able to have one person visualise 'inner worlds' on their own and from us being able to communicate effectively only really through text (especially journal comments) to a place where we can talk casually in our head (by doing the same thing as journal comments, just without the journal) and now to being able to close our eyes and look inside and visualise each other... and hold conversations... and do more.
Wow it was so easy once we worked out how. We've always been very good at visualising vivid scenes and images, the trick to getting more than one person in the scene and have them each running theirself was to divorce the visualisation process from the person. If Adam wants to go inside and talk to people he can't think it's him visualising or else he's doing all the work and everything he sees will come from him. Instead you need to set up a freeform flow. The process is started, we're looking at the inside rather than the outside and people can manifest physically in the inner space. So Adam might see him self laying on the bean bags (we have bean bags ^_^) and then anyone else who's around can place themself in the same scene and say hello. Neither of them are forcing the matter and they're both agreeing to perceive the other in the place where they are, going with rather than working against the flow. It's cool. Loads of people want to talk about what they've done or what others have done (^_^). I have to go to a supervision now.

...and the floodgates opened [13 Nov 2001|08:54am]
[ music | The Wild Thornberrys ^_^ ]

Oh boy have I been having fun ^_^ One of the Nats was standing in the freezing cold at the bus stop while I was lounged in tiiiiny shorts and t-shirt laying on a wooden floor heated from below with my head on a comfy squishy purple bean bag. Mmmmmmm. I love being inside ^.^ Me and Mat have been hanging out in this room with heated wooden floor and bean bags, yeah it needs decorating or something but it is so cool.
Oh! When we were on the bus Mat was all "this is pretty dull really" and he was bored taking his trainers off and looking inside them and stuff and then suddenly he was like "can I eat meat?" and I produced some Walls' Tuti-fruiti ice cream like we haven't tasted since the early nineties and ate it (mmmm tuti-fruiti) and then he totally went over the top savouring some fried chicken and crunching on the skin and even sucking at the bones, it's like who needs star trek replicators when you can produce anything you like from behind your bean bag? ^.^
I think we want bean bags IRL now, they are tres comfy!
Oh and like all the way through the conversation Hedwig and the Angry Inch were playing in the corner ^_^ Bizarre!
-Adam.
(Wow I can have like any poster I can imagine on my walls inside! ^o^)

Inside the head [14 Nov 2001|06:05am]
[ music | Sleepy kim noises ]

I had lots and lots of fun inside the head. I have multicoloured hair and I can make floating fish all different colours just like Delerium in the sandman and I was inside the head and it was really small and I was knocking on the roof and looking through the eye holes and then I was sitting on the floor of the bus but that wasn't so real,
'tasha!

'tasha [14 Nov 2001|06:26am]
[ music | Hedwig and the Angry Inch (in my head) ]

Adam: 'tasha's cute ^_^
Nat: but so so so distracting!
Adam: Oh but it's only when we're bored or sitting on the bus or something
Nat: she makes it feel like she's actually physically lodged inside my head!
Adam: ::giggle:: that's impressively literal ~_^
Nat: it looks like her primary influences are Drob Dead Fred and Delerium of the Endless... that's not a good combination!
Adam: ::LOL:: yeah. It really is harmless and fun though, she's trying to make you laugh while you're bored. Or she's trying to entertain herself while she's bored.
Nat: the thing with the laying in the curb while I was at the bus stop, that /was/ funny ^_^ but where does she get her fashion sense? stripey green and black tights under black shorts?
Adam: ^_^ the clothes are cute. She's cute! She's the one that paints our toenails different colours and things remember? If she had her way we'd have pig tails and everything we own would be fluffy ~_^
'tasha: ::giggle::
Nat: hi 'tasha
Adam: you want to try putting our hair into pigtails later?
'tasha: I want kim and natalya to help me do it when she's here!
Nat: OK we'll see if we can do that
'tasha: can I have black and green fingernails?
Nat: maybe
'tasha: can I paint lots of different layers and patterns on and things?
Adam: ::snigger:: you go girl ~_^
'tasha: can we bake a ginger cake?
Adam: oh yeah can we?
Nat: don't look at me!
Adam: we could clean the kitchen now and buy ingredients tomorrow
Nat: do you have a recipie?
'tasha: we're going to get golden syrup!
Nat: shall we stop writing this down before we need to use an LJ-cut tag? Adam: are they called DJ-cut tags here? ~_^
Nat: hey they might be!
Adam: this is a lot quicker and easier way to have a conversation on journal
Nat: I don't think we could've managed this a week or two ago though? Do you?
Adam: is David around? Thought I 'heard' him ::waves:: Yoo hoo?
David: So are you going to clean the kitchen or can I do some work?
'tasha: can I help clean?
Adam: um... you decide. No wait, I'll do the washing up then you can do some work when the hot water runs out
Nat: we should do a towels wash. ...why are we writing this down, this is inane.
Mat: amen to that.
David: OK I'll do some Haskell when you've finished. I want to convert the coordinates to Float and see if that fixes the problem I'm having with rotation.
Adam: hey what happens if you get two Nats talking at the same time?
Nat: that wouldn't happen. One of us would have to stop being Nat because Nat is one person no matter what we really are.
David: hmm that's interesting. Is that why Mat suddenly just appeared, because he tends to disagree with the rest of you?
Adam: OK wow. I'm going to go do the washing up now. Pressing send...